Marriage Redefined

Facebook has been flooded the last two days with issues revolving around the definition of marriage. There are those who believe everyone should be allowed to marry whom ever they want. There are those who are attempting to defend the traditional definition of marriage between one man and one woman. Every post has just broken my heart - but not for the reasons one would think.

I think we have completely missed the bigger issue - that God's heart has been breaking over "Christian" marriages for centuries. The culture is just following the church's lead.

Marriage is instituted by God in Genesis 2:23- 25  

"Then the man said,

This at last is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman,

because she was taken out of Man.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." (ESV)

Marriage is first and foremost God's joining of two people into one entity. This passage is about commitment. It is a change of command, a change of loyalties from oneself and one's childhood family to a brand new being - a single being that incorporates two individuals. Jesus states in Matthew 19:6 "What God has joined together, let not man separate." (ESV) This is a permanent union, created only by God and divided only by God....

But that is not what marriage is in our culture.  Modern marriage, modern "Christian" marriage, does not live up to God's definition of marriage. Even if you take the modern reason for marriage, love, it does not live up to God's definition. 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. If does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (I Corinthians 13:4-8a; ESV) 

Every time we are impatient or unkind to our spouse, we break the definition of marriage.

Every time we are irritable with our spouse, we break the definition of marriage.

Every time we walk out of the room angry, we break marriage.

Every time we loose hope, we break marriage.

Every time we look at another, even in a momentary glance, instead of our spouse, we break marriage.

Every time we loose faith in our spouse, we break marriage.

Every time we prioritize extended family, children, work, and play, over our spouse, we break marriage

Every time we dress in a manor that may tempt another, we break marriage.

Every time we expect a spouse to be at a church committee meeting, instead of attending to family needs, we break marriage.

Every time we even think sexually about someone we are not married to, we break marriage.

Every time a husband forces a wife to submit, marriage is broken.

Every time a wife is disrespectful to her husband, marriage is broken.

Every time we expect our spouse to do something for us, marriage is broken. 

Every time we prioritize our need over our spouse's need, marriage is broken.

Marriage is not going to be broken, or redefined,  because of a law or a court decision. Marriage is already broken and the church has already redefined it. Every time the church encouraged wives to submit, without enforcing that husbands are to love their wives "as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her" (Eph 5:25, ESV), we redefined marriage. When the church began making allowances for divorce, we redefined marriage.  When we began focusing on making each other happy, instead of helping each other be godly, we redefined marriage. When marriage became primarily a way to raise children, instead of a reflection of God's love for us, we redefined marriage. 

Over the decades of debate over legal marriage, the church has ignored its own centuries of failure to uphold God's definition of marriage. So why are we so upset that an ungodly, secular culture wants to "redefine" an institution created by a God it doesn't acknowledge, when we, who claim to know Him, have already done it?   

If we are truly honest with ourselves, as Christians, we have already done exactly what politicians now attempt to legalize. The state is only following to its natural conclusions what the church started.  Do our marriages live up to God's definition? Not a single one! So whom among us can justify "throwing stones"?  Instead, it is past time to "remove the plank from our own eye". It is past time to take a good look at our own marriages and those in our churches. It is past time for husbands to lay down their lives (careers, sports, xboxes) for their wives and wives to respect their husbands, even when they don't deserve it. It is past time for the church to redefine marriage as "until death do us part" and reject "as long as we both shall love".  It is time to look at our marriages in light of how they demonstrate God's love and grace, not in how we want to feel human love and acceptance. It is time to recognize that God has extended to Christian Marriage an enormous amount of grace and in response we are to extend that grace to others.

It is time for the church to redefine marriage within the body of Christ, to remember that we have fallen very short of God's mark and extend the grace He has given to us for centuries to a culture that does not know Him and cannot understand His standards. So Church - go and leave your life of sin. 

Cleaning up the Splatter

It was our first military social function with the whole family, celebrating Bob's class's graduation from Chaplain School. Most of the children were politely sitting at a table eating. Our youngest, 4 months old at the time, was fussy, so I was holding her as I spoke with a VERY senior officer's wife. I had been holding the baby facing outward as she enjoyed looking at what was going on around her, but her constant squirming required I turn her around to face me. While still attempting to carry on a conversation, my youngest became progressively fussier and fussier until it happened. She looked at me, closed her eyes, and projectile vomited down my front. She then proceeded to fill her diaper. The woman I was talking with never skipped a beat, continued talking, seemingly never noticing what had happened. Given that I was a very new officer's spouse and this woman's husband held the power to make or break my husband's new career, I didn't want to interrupt her. So I motioned to an older child to grab some napkins and attempted to clean up myself, the baby and floor with as much dignity and drawing as little attention as possible.

There was nothing I could have done to prevent or stop what had happened, but I was horrified!

During this Lenten season many Christians are preparing for the celebration of Christ's death and resurrection by taking time to focus on sin. Many will sacrifice something in a practice of self-denial. There are special devotions and services to renew in us an awareness of our own depravity and our need for a Savior so that on Resurrection Sunday we can more fully worship and wonder in our God's amazing love and power.

But many times in life it isn't our own sin that weighs us down. Sometimes we are covered in the splatter of other's sin. We cannot control it. We cannot force people to change. We may have very little input, but other's sinful actions, in-actions, and attitudes cover us in hurt, pain and shame.

Many times those spatters are minor irritations - a willful child, a rude driver, an off-handed remark - which we can easily shrug off. But other times they can drench us and completely weigh us down - a child's addiction, a spouse's infidelity, a back stabbing friend, the rejection of a parent, a corrupt politician, a spiteful employer . We have no control over the situation, we may not have even contributed to it, but it fills us with pain and shame. It weighs us down until we feel we will break under its weight.

During Lent we spend a lot of time focusing on Christ's forgiveness and redemption of our own sin and forget He did it not just for me - but for others too. Christ's redemption of our own sin is amazing, but He came not just to save us from our own transgressions, but to save us from the mess others' transgressions have made as well.  His total grace gives us the strength and mercy we need to forgive and to heal. He can take the splatter, the smelly, weighty, disgusting mess on us from someone else's sin, and completely clean it up so that we are once again fragrant and beautiful in His eyes - and our own as well.

He is the only one who can do it. When my precious baby spoiled my clothes, I was able to get rid of the visible evidence, but the stench and embarrassment remained. That 4 month old could not undo what she had done. She could not clean it up. She wasn't even aware of what she had done!  It is the same with sin. We can try to make ourselves look clean, but we can never forgive and show grace and mercy on our own. On our own, there is no apology, enactment of justice or choice that will ever completely clean up the mess. There will always be an underlying stench that will come back to offend us again.

The only way I was able to be completely clean was to do laundry and take a shower. I needed something else to fully clean up the mess because the tools I had were completely inadequate  In our lives, Jesus has done exactly that. He takes everything that has been soiled by sin, ours and others', and washes it completely clean. Some spots are easy to remove. Others will take a long time and may need multiple treatments, but He will remove them all!  He will remove every stain, spot and speck of dirt no matter how it got there or how ground in it is. He removes our soiled clothes. He provides the soap and detergent to wash it clean. He does the scrubbing, washing, drying and even re-dresses us. We just have to allow Him to do it.

I hear the Savior  say,

"Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness watch and pray,

Find in Me thy all in all"

Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

(Jesus Paid It All; Elvina M Hall)

Using the "H" Word

My heart went out to my friend the moment I walked into the house.  I opened the door, pushing coats and shoes out of the way, stepping over toys, maneuvered around the dog and glanced at the baby crying on the floor. 2 children were announcing my arrival. Within a few moments she appeared from the basement, hands covered in soot from trying to manipulate a stubborn wood-burning stove, face drawn and white. I handed her the package I came to deliver and asked how she was doing. "We're....ok...." I picked up the baby and after a little chit-chat, used the "H" word. "Would you like me to stay and....help?"

I have been there more times than I wish to admit. Those days when everything seems to be falling apart and I can barely hold myself together, no less make order out of the chaos around me. The body, soul and mind are crying for help, relief and even escape, but rarely is that vocalized. I keep plugging along, praying "God help me!", but don't ask those God has put into my life to answer that prayer. Why??

I think one reason is because we have been told we aren't supposed to.

Intentionally or not, the church has sent a message that we are on our own and failure is not an option. Our pictures, magazines and websites are filled with picture perfect families, smiling moms, dads playing catch, couples lovingly looking at each other. Occasionally we have pictures of over dramatized, hair-pulling moms over titles such as "10 Easy Ways to Organize Your Life" and "Finding Your Joy in Chaos". Each and every picture communicating that if your life isn't picture perfect, it is because you have failed, you're not "right with God", your not organized enough, you don't discipline enough, your not strong enough, submissive enough, content enough, healthy enough...and you have to change to make it better. We have workshops, articles, blogs and sermons that tell us if we read our Bibles enough, pray enough, discipline ourselves and our kids enough, and follow "these 3 steps" that life will be problem free and God will bless us. If we want to admit we can't do it, the Church communicates the only place that should be done is in small groups, or on a counseling couch, where the response tends to be filled with righteous platitudes, here is a Bible verse to help you and we will be praying..... The response is focused on what YOU, the individual, should do or have failed to do.

I don't think this is how God intended for it to be.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2 ESV)

This passage comes toward the end of a discussion on sin where we, as believers, are encouraged to "not gratify the desires of the flesh" (Gal 5:16), to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22), and to restore each other "in a spirit of gentleness" (Gal 6:1). How do we do this? First and foremost we are to "Bear one another's burdens". The Church is very good at the next part of this passage, "Let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load." But that follows the command to help each other - to share the burdens. Yes, we are responsible for ourselves. Each of us will be held accountable for our actions, attitudes and decisions - but we are not expected to do it alone. Bearing each other's burdens is not done by saying "Oh, you have a burden. Here are some Bible verses to tell you how to deal with it and I'll be praying for you." No! It means we see a burden someone is carrying and we pick it up.  We walk with them, fully sharing the load with grace, compassion and gentleness. We get down in the mud to help pick them up when they fall. We pick up the load when it seems to be too heavy. We bind up wounds and give rest to the broken. We have to get our hands dirty and actively reach out when we see a need. And we do it without any expectations. We do it to "fulfill the law of Christ" -a law of active, messy, inconvenient grace, mercy, love and compassion. We are to spit in the mud to heal the blind man, pay for the healing of the victim on the side of the road, hold children on our laps, feed the 5,000, eat with prostitutes, and stop angry mobs ready for a stoning.

The other side is being willing to share our own burdens - something I greatly struggle with.  For me, it is usually a pride issue. I don't want others seeing my failures and shortcomings - to know that I just can't handle life at times. It is also the pain of experience. I have tried to share my burdens in the past, asked for help, and been burnt in the process. There are times I don't want to burden others that I know are also carrying burdens.

Sharing our burdens not just helps us - it helps others. I once had a woman challenge me with this. She told me she want to know how she could help me because she needed to be helping others. Her grandchildren were too far away to be with, her retired husband was driving her nuts and if she just stayed home she was going to become depressed. She needed something to do, so by allowing her to help me, I was helping her. By sharing our burdens, both loads were lighter. (She ended up doing my laundry for me!)

When we share our burdens we make it easier for others to share their's. Others see that they are not alone in their struggles. I love seeing pictures of friends' kids - with a messy house in the background. Or videos of a newly mastered piano piece - with the sound of a screaming toddler from off-stage. It is encouraging to me to read other moms venting Facebook statuses - because I know I'm not the only one who struggles. It is so much easier to share and bear my challenges when I know others deal with the same things.

It builds trust. As we share the "minor" burdens of life, it builds trust, compassion and grace so that when the major challenges in life come, we don't have to struggle alone. When we have walked with each other through sleepless nights, parenting mis-steps, messy houses, and Walmart melt downs, it is easier to go to each other when a child rejects the faith; a spouse has an affair; we find ourselves drowning in addiction or depression; we are facing foreclosure and bankruptcy; we are doubting God.

Sharing our burdens builds accountability and helps prevent bigger burdens. Those "little" burdens we carry can quickly accumulate to become "big" burdens. How many overwhelmed mom's hide alcohol and drug addictions that started as a way to cope with the usual stresses of parenting? Just a "little something" to help them relax. How many marriages have suffered from affairs that were stumbled into because no one was willing to admit there were little problems?  He was "just a friend" who listened. How many teens have taken their lives because they can't live up to magazine covers and keep up appearances?

I was glad to be able to leave my friend's home an hour later with the house picked up, dinner on the stove, house warming up, and children occupied. I didn't do much more than hold the baby, pick up a few toys, listen and talk. It wasn't much, I probably should have done more, but she was looking a little better. I was encouraged to know I'm not the only one who has days like that. I was happy to have the opportunity to relieve a little stress, to focus on someone other than myself and my family, and hopefully help her day end on a better note. As I walked out I asked her to please call when she needs help, and I hope she does, but also reminding myself that I need to ask for help too because I can't do this alone.

How often do you use the "H" word?

Our 2013-2014 Curriculum Plan

It is that time of year when parents and educators are looking toward next school year. Next school year we will have 5 children schooling full time. My primary goal has been to find a plan that is as easy on me as possible, while meeting some unique interests and needs of each child. This means having children work as independently as possible, or in as few groups as possible. While there will probably be some changes, this is our plan for next school year:

Everyone uses Math-U-See. This mastery based curriculum spans pre-K through Calculus. They have added to the curriculum this year to fill in some gaps, include more critical thinking and application and have made available guides so, if desired, it can be aligned to Common Core Standards. Our oldest will be supplementing with Life of Fred to include more review, practice and practical application.

The younger 4 of our school will be following the Modern History schedule from Easy Classical.  Easy Classical has planned out a daily schedule for a classical education, following recommendations from Veritas Press and The Well Trained Mind. The Early Modern and Modern History schedules use The Story of the World and The History of US series as spines and include literature suggestions. We will also be using their Modern History Writing schedule, which uses The Institute for Excellence in Writing's structure and style tied into each week's history readings. Instead of using Easy Classical's geography, we will use Geography Matter's Trail Guide to World Geography.

Included in the changes to our curriculum this year is Growing With Grammar. The hope is that it will be more student directed, interesting and have clearer text that what we are currently using. Spelling Zoo, from IEW, has done wonders for my 2 struggling spellers, so we are sticking with that. I expect child #4 will move into it once he has completed All About Spelling Level 2.  I will be putting together handwriting/copywork books for each child based on our history, science and Bible readings. Our little Lady Bug will continue with IEW's Primary Arts of Language (PAL) as she masters the fundamentals of reading and writing. PAL was new to us this year and we have greatly enjoyed the fun, multi-sensory approach to the language arts.

For the second year we will be using Noeo Science. Also a classical approach, 4 out of the 5 children will be able to experiment with Physics, while learning about some of important scientists of the modern era.

All 4 younger students will continue with Classical Academic Press's Latin for Children and Song School Latin.  Daughters 2 and 3 will use Building Thinking Skills (cd-rom) from Critical Thinking for Logic.

As a family we began a study through the Bible last school year. The curriculum wasn't finished yet and we felt the need to tackle some other issues this year, so we took a break from it. Next year we will continue working our way through each book of the Bible with Grapevine Studies, adding in the dvd series What's In The Bible? with Buck Denver.

So far I have left out our oldest, who is entering high school level work. She loves learning on her own, discovering, researching and being creative. We want to use this year to really begin preparing her for more in-depth analysis and critical thinking. She will be taking a Great Books approach to history, by reading and analyzing some of the great literature of the Modern Era, researching the authors and time periods of each piece using the library, internet and Spielvogel's "Western Civilization". Her literature list is coming from The Well Trained Mind (Susan Wise Bauer; Peace Hill Press), with some additions we made to accommodate her love of biology. To help her begin to learn how to analyze literature and understand literary techniques she will use IEW's new "Grammar of Poetry". We also plan to have her complete a Christian world-view study, but haven't settled on one yet.  Science for High School will be her guide in learning biology. A student based curriculum, it gives her several questions at the beginning of each week that she must research to find the answers. At the end of the week she and I will discuss her answers followed by laboratory and microscope experiments. Rounding out her schedule will be Latin Alive! from Classical Academic Press and Vocabulary from Classical Roots.

The hope and prayer is this line up will help everyone become more independent and self-motivated while building essential skill as we discover this amazing world and life God has given us.