A Tearful Plea

Sitting in a quiet house this morning, Bible open and sipping a cup of coffee - with tears streaming down my face. My heart breaking for a dear friend, knowing there isn't anything practical I can do for her from thousands of miles away. Yet more than anything this morning I long to give her a big hug and a helping hand.

You see, she is living in the place I have lived for so long. A place very few people seem to understand, or are willing to talk about. A place that God seems to be calling many of His daughters. A place of extreme loneliness, exhaustion and being overwhelmed. A place where the Church, should be stepping up to help, but more often than not meets us with insensitivity, worn out platitudes and cliches.

Its extreme motherhood.

A growing number of Christian woman are feeling called to a life that bucks society. We have felt called to trust God with the shape, size and make-up of our families. We feel called to educate these children at home. For many of us, we have been called to live away from family and friends. We have a deep desire to help others, to teach Sunday School, volunteer at nursing homes, lead worship, and organize Operation Christmas Child drives.

And for many of us, our husbands have been called to jobs, both secular and full-time ministry, that keep them from home.

So we live for months, and even years, with little to no sleep, the responsibility of Mom, Dad, teacher, administrator, doctor, chef, housekeeper, taxi driver, gardener, mechanic, handy-man, etc..., etc..., etc... Homeschool co-ops (for that all important "socialization") require we volunteer and teach. Churches call us to lead VBS, volunteer in the nursery, shuttle kids to children's programs and youth events, and cook meals for other families.

And we crash. We fall apart. We reach the end of our rope. And there is no one there.

Too many times I've  had older women tell me, "Someday you will look back on these days and miss them." Except now, several year out of the baby-stage, I can't remember them. I don't remember the cuddle time, the coos, the first steps, the first words, the first smiles. I can't tell my children about how their siblings gave them hugs in the hospital, or their first trip to the zoo, or what they did with their first birthday cake. I was so tired then, that I can't remember those sweet moments now. They are gone. And that breaks my heart.

I've been  told, "Just put them into public school" - Put them into public school and reject the calling of God to homeschool them? For some people, homeschooling is a choice. Public schooling is a choice. Private school is a choice For me, homeschooling has been a calling I can't ignore, even when I've wanted to. Even when I've needed to!  It isn't an option, it is what God is calling me to do.

I've been told "Having all these children was your choice" -The idea that I have full and complete control over the new lives God may use me to create and raise is a lie. God will create life when He wants. For some people that means they may never have children. Some may have one or two. For others, it means we have numerous children - sometimes despite all modern medicine has to offer. I've even had "Christians" suggest I should  kill an unborn child.  I don't know why God gives some of us more than others, but He does. And while they are each a blessing from Him, IT IS HARD.  Each child bring more joy, and more responsibility.

I've been told, "Just spend more time in the Word and Praying. God will give you what you need." I try, we all try. But the 60 seconds we may have between crying babies, spelling lists, and toddlers playing in the toilet doesn't fill an empty soul. We barely have the strength to send up pleas for help in those moments when it feels as if everything is falling apart. Those few quiet moments we may have for real conversation with our Heavenly Father results in us falling asleep on our knees in exhaustion. I've been turned away from more than one bible study because I come with school aged children during the day, and a van load of many children in the evening - and I have no one to help with childcare.

"Your husband should be helping more." He's tired too! Our men work hard, often long hours, away from home to provide for us and minister to others.  For a long time my husband worked 80 and 90 hour weeks, at one point at 2 different jobs, so that we could barely make ends meet. He didn't have friends. He rarely slept. He skipped meals so that the children and I had enough to eat. He spent every waking moment serving God and others - yet church members would complain he wasn't doing enough and family complained he wasn't home enough.  Encouragement often came with strings attached.

More than anything, I want fellow Christians to hear and understand and see the cries of women like me, sitting in your pews, volunteering in your Sunday Schools, driving youth to ministry events. We are tired - no, we are beyond exhaustion. We are broken. We are barely hanging on in this life God has called us to - and the one place we should be able to turn to for help and comfort on this journey is often the place where more is demanded of us. Often, it is the place we can least honest about what we are dealing with.

It doesn't take much. I will be forever grateful for the woman who came to my house every week, took all our laundry, and returned a couple days later with piles of clean, folded and ironed clothes.  I love the grandmas, grandpas and young adults in our church who volunteer in the nursery and teach Sunday School, so that I can have an hour, once a week, with my Savior. I am thankful for the woman sitting behind me in church, who came, took my fussy infant and got her to sleep so I could sooth a melting down toddler and help my elementary child find the sermon text in her Bible. The woman who put her arms around me and just let me cry, acknowledging that this is hard, overwhelming and humanly impossible, is one of the biggest blessings of my life.  I will never forget the dad who took my son to a soccer game with his, because our Dad was busy serving us and others so couldn't do it himself or the man who would share his season tickets to the Bears, and the elders who allowed him to leave church early, so my husband could have an afternoon "off".

There will be a day, which is quickly approaching, in which I will be able to lend the helping hand and do the extra laundry.  I am reaching the point where I can be that shoulder to cry on or a babysitter for an afternoon so mom can sleep - or run errands in peace. Right now, I can write this little blog and ask, no beg, my family in Christ, to step in and help us in this super-human calling God has given us.

I can't help my friend today. I'm too far away and still in the midst of it all myself - but maybe you can.

Vision Issues

It is the beginning of the school year in our household. New books, pencils, crayons, notebooks and..... vision screenings. We head into each school year having each child's vision checked to ensure they can read, write and view with physical clarity. (There are days I think we need to have hearing checked too, but that is another issue!)  It is very challenging to learn and grow in knowledge and understanding if the world is not in focus.

Heading into the optometrist, we knew several children were struggling with their vision. It didn't come a surprise given both their parents have worn glasses since late elementary school. The last several months have come with consistent complaints about headaches, tired eyes, not being able to read signs and difficulty focusing - all of the typical signs of vision issues. Sure enough, we walked out with 4 new prescriptions and, the big surprise, a referral to a specialist.

A week later, the new glasses were picked up. The van was full of exclamations of:

"I can read the signs!"

"Wait, I didn't know that was there!"

"Everything is so.....big."

"The world is so bright!"

"The world is so bright." That was the one that hit me. Looking through eyes that do not correctly refract and interpret light, the world looks dark and full of shadows. Blobs pass by us and we never truly see the people and creation in our world. It grieved me when I realized all my children had been missing. I also rejoiced that they could now more fully enjoy the life God has given them.  It reminded me of Isaiah 9:2 - a prophesy that Jesus later quotes in Matthew 4.

The people who walked in darkness

have seen a great light; 

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,

on them has light shown. (ESV)

Scripture is full of Light versus Dark imagery. From Genesis 1 through Revelation we see a world that God created to be bright and full of light, but has been plunged into shadowy darkness by sin. The story of Man is one of attempting to find light in a world riddled with the darkness of evil, failure, disease, and hatred. The story of God is how He gives us that Light, redeems the darkness of mankind and creates a new world bright with hope, love, forgiveness and joy. 

For some people, it is obvious to them, and others, that they are missing something. They spend much time and energy attempting to "see" correctly. They attempt to move closer to God through good works, much like my children would hold books closer to read. They "squint", or try to change their vision, through addictions and fantasy. Others just embrace the darkness, telling themselves and others that what they see is all there is, so just make the best of it. 

Then there are those people, and those times, like my son. He is an active, rambunctious 8 year old boy. Like most boys his age, he has a hard time sitting still and focusing. His body has been made for movement and physical labor, so sitting and working on reading and multiple digit multiplication is tedious and painful. When math became a daily struggle, we chalked it up to being an 8 year old who would rather be playing soccer or making Lego superheros, than plowing through rows of numbers. We have him run when he can't sit still, break assignments up into smaller chunks, use graph paper to help with place value and even discipline with the hope of helping him gain more self control.  Even with the accommodations and aids, math is a daily struggle. Imagine our surprise when we were told, that this child who has never complained about his sight,  has eyes which do not track together - making reading and focusing very difficult. The optometrist confirmed that while part of his issue with math is probably just being 8, he is physically incapable of focusing on columns of numbers. His eyes have to work so hard to move around a page, that attempting to "carry a ten" or "keep numbers in their place value" may be more than his brain can handle. 

Our girls' vision issues were obvious and easily corrected with glasses. As Christians, it can be very obvious to us that the world needs the corrective assistance of the Holy Spirit. In a world so full of hatred and sin we long for the day when "every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess" - and all will see the glory of God. We can look at nations and neighbors and say, "If they would only believe". We witness and evangelize with the hope that just one more person will see the Light. We study the Bible, pray and go to church with the faith that those things will allow us to see more clearly. 

So often though we miss the less obvious "vision" issues - especially in ourselves. We allow ourselves to believe that because we have the Holy Spirit, because we believe, we can see ourselves, each other and the world clearly. We can even go as far as believing, or at least acting as if we believe, that if we just work hard enough, love people and God more, and make some changes, we can be everything God wants us to be.  We tell ourselves we just need to make better choices, have more faith, be more diligent in Bible study etc.., etc.., etc.. While all those things are true and beneficial, we tend to ignore the underlying problem. No matter how clearly we think we see and understand, while on this earth, we see "as in a mirror darkly".  We forget that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. We don't realize our vision is tainted.  We cannot imagine all God has planned.  We do not see all that He does.  We can see bits and pieces of the big picture, but never the entire thing. Our minds cannot comprehend all He is, so we cannot fully explain or understand what is right in front of us. We may know that we need to "carry a ten", but our spiritual eyes are not strong enough, yet. to see exactly where it goes. 

Just as our son will need help in strengthening his eyes, we need help in strengthening our spiritual vision. So we pray, we study, we worship,  and we fellowship. At times it is an easy joyful thing. We see results quickly. Other times it is time consuming, painful and tedious. It seems we will never see it all. Our optometrist was honest that he does not have the expertise and know-how to fully help our son. We must be honest that we need outside help. We need each other, our pastors, mentors, counselors and, most importantly, the Holy Spirit, to help us see the things we don't even know we are missing. Sometimes we need to trust that others see things in us, in our families and in our churches, that we can't. 

We are putting our son's vision into the hands of a specialist with the faith that as one who has more knowledge and understanding, he can help in ways we never can.  We are backing off on the multiple digit multiplication until the underlying issue is corrected or we have the tools we need to help him. One day, he will face multiplication without stress, but that day may be a long time coming. 

I need to do the same with my life. I need to rely on the One who has more knowledge and understanding. I need to trust that there may be others who see me more clearly than I see myself.  I need to stop worrying about the symptoms of sin, and deal with the underlying issues of my heart. I need to remember that my vision issues will never be fully resolved on this earth, but one day, I will see clearly - and it will be brighter and more beautiful than I ever imagined.