Thanks-giving in Everything

Rejoice always,

 pray without ceasing, 

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

(1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 - ESV)

Daily, I am reminded of all the ways God has blessed me and my family. How can I not be? We have been given more, and entrusted with more, than most people in all of history could even conceive. Yet, it is so easy to complain and focus on those things in life that are challenging, annoying and painful. This morning I was putting together our "Deployment Wall" - a space dedicated to keeping connected with our Daddy as he traverses the globe this year. As I was hanging the world map and Daddy Mail Box, the above verse from I Thessalonians came to mind. I began thinking of many of the challenges life has brought us, big and little, and quietly I began hearing that Still Quiet Voice reminding me of how He has used each.  I wanted to share some with you, praying God will use them to help you also "give thanks in all circumstances"

1 - Our drafty, cold house: Our new home is older, and we haven't had the chance to do some weather proofing yet. Nights have been cold. Stockinged toes quickly begin tingling on the hard wood floors. But, we have a home and one that more than meets our needs. It also meets many of our desires, and has a few perks thrown in.  We are not living on the streets, or in a refugee camp, or in tents. We have heat and extra blankets. We have a home we can share with others. 

2 - Spills, Interruptions, and Legos:  Our home is rarely quiet. My days are spent cleaning up messes, stepping on and over toys, refereeing arguments, and wishing for a hot cup of coffee with the book collecting dust on the shelf. But  - with each spill comes wam hugs; with each argument comes an opportunity to show grace; with each toy out of place comes the privilege of sharing with and serving others. Each interruption is an opportunity to love another human with the love Christ has shown me. That book collecting dust? I have a book I am capable of reading that can collect dust! 

3 - The Opportunity to be a Single Parent: First, I have been blessed to be a parent, and a parent to many children. So many women long, beg and pray for the blessing of children that came so easily for us. This upcoming experience of parenting alone is temporary (by God's grace!). Unlike so many moms who have been forced into single parenting, with no expectation of ever having a help-mate, our Daddy should eventually come home. He is not leaving voluntarily, because he is giving up on us, or pursuing selfish interests, or because he found something or someone new and more exciting, but because he has been called to an amazing task that will take him away for a period of time. Our Daddy has the privilege of serving our God and country in a way that is reflective of Christ's life - willingly and voluntarily offering it all for God's glory and the betterment of mankind. In the mean time, I can learn lessons that God may use to bless other moms in similar situations. I will have the opportunity to lean on Him in ways I wouldn't otherwise. 

4 - Our Miscarried Child:  I don't talk about him. In fact, until this blog, there are very few people who even know about him. We didn't know he existed until we lost him, because even modern medicine missed his arrival. I will miss the 4 year old face that won't be at the table tomorrow. I will miss buying him presents for Christmas and watching him open them. I will miss celebrating his 5th birthday this spring and helping him draw pictures for Daddy. But - I was blessed to be his Mommy for a few short weeks, even if I didn't even know it at the time. His loss makes me appreciate my 6 other children all the more. He showed me how fragile life can be and how much it should be cherished. He has allowed me to better mourn with those who mourn. He has given me one more reason to eagerly anticipate my final homecoming, when I will finally be able to hold and hug him. 

5 - Broken Relationships:  Broken relationships are devastating, and I've had several over the last few years. Particulars aren't important, but there was a time I didn't think I would survive the experience. Though I never want to experience the worse of it again, I have been gifted remarkable healing and restoration. I have been given a glimpse of the depth and power of God's love and grace, and the opportunity to extend it to others. Though not every relationship has as yet seen restoration, I have hope that it is possible. Not just possible, but that the other end can be more wonderful than the beginning. 

I'd encourage you to find your Thanksgivings in the painful parts of your life. God has incredible healing and hope in store for all who "give thanks in all circumstances". We don't know what the next year has in store, but it could be, that learning to give thanks for all of the past and present, is preparation and a source of strength for the future. 

This song, and the truths and promises in it, carried me through the darkest times. Sometimes His grace does come through raindrops and His healing can come through tears....

Deployment Cycle and Help for Civilian Friends and Family

In the next 2 months our family will be experiencing quite a few changes - 1000 mile move, new house, new church, and our first deployment. I've had several friends and family members ask how they can help us through this time. I've told each of them the truth, "I don't know". I have been very blessed by my civilian friends who are taking the time to try to understand what we will be experiencing and how to support us, but have struggled to come up with tangible answers. One thing I struggle with is asking for help, and identifying I need help, especially when I'm stressed. So..... I thought maybe one of the best things I can do right now, is try to explain the theory and psychology of "The Deployment Cycle" - the stages families and individuals tend to progress through when anticipating, experiencing and regrouping from deployments lasting over 3 months. 

Stage 1 - Anticipation of Loss - This is where we are now. We know it is coming. We are making and working though lists of things that need to be accomplished to keep family communication going, finances in order, and preparing for the unexpected and tragic. Stress and anxiety levels are beginning to increase so children are whinier and tempers are shorter. For our family, we are also feeling just generally more tired. We are trying to find ways to bridge the gap in our expectations for the next year as the children and I will have a completely different life from Daddy's. Each of us are going through periods when we need to talk about this next year, and times when we just can't deal with it. I find I am beginning to fluctuate between resenting my husband still needs to go to work everyday, because the Navy gets him for the entire next year, and feeling like I need to start shouldering all the responsibility on my own.

Stage 2 - Detachment and Withdraw - In the couple weeks leading up to the service member leaving, families tend to withdraw from each other. Couples tend to have at least one BIG argument and individuals begin wishing the service member would just leave.   Psychologically, in a sense, the deployment is beginning. There is a sense where everyone just wants to get the initial separation over with, and get on with life. 

Stage 3  - Emotional Disorganization - The service member leaves and the first month is filled with many mixed emotions for everyone involved. There can be relief that it has finally happened. There is sadness and sometimes anger at the loss, or just a numbness. In many ways there is a grief cycle that happens during the first month or so. Individuals are left feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone and often sleepless. 

Stage 4 and 5 - Recovery and Stabilization  -  This is where everyone establishes the "new normal". There are always ups and downs; good days and bad days; but there is an equilibrium that is established until about a month or so before the service member is anticipated to come home. 

That begins the second half of the cycle - which I plan to deal with as we approach it.

There are a few things I would greatly appreciate our family and friends keep in mind:

1 - Every member of our family is going to be feeling different things and needs will be different. Some of us need to be able to talk and be with people when stressed or sad; others need quiet and space. Our introverts will talk when they are ready, and pushing them before they are willing is counter productive. Allowing them space, or simply sitting quietly with them may be the best thing anyone can do. Our extroverts may need extra ears that are willing to take more time than normal to listen to whatever is in their head. They may require an extra amount of patience! We will have both needs within our family at the same time. 

2 - Please, be mindful of conversations around the children, especially concerning world events. We don't know what will happen during this time, and I attempt to be honest and open with them about current events, but just remember that it is their Daddy who could be in the middle of things. While normal conversations about events around the world may be benign for you, for them it could be very personal. Especially if there is a major event while he is away, keeping the news turned off and conversations on other topics while they are around would be greatly appreciated. 

3 - We will not always know, or be able to share, what our Daddy is doing or where he is. Our Daddy's and his shipmates' safety is our first priority - so please understand if we give vague answers to questions.  The children have been told to direct questions about his job, whereabouts and safety to me.   Discussing some of those things over the phone, email or Facebook can be a security risk - so if I don't answer a question or give information there may be a reason. 

4 - If you want to help, offering specific things you are willing to do would be best. A deployment specialist recommended I request this. I have a hard time asking for help. In the midst of stress and feeling overwhelmed, I don't always recognize where and how I need help. I also have this awful tendency to feel I need to deal with everything on my own. It will be much easier for me to give an answer to "Can I bring over dinner?" or "Let me come stay with the kids tonight." or "Do you need shoveled out?" then "What can I do?". 

5 - Remember our Daddy! We will send him letters and care packages fairly regularly. Feel free to send him things too, or give me notes, cards, and fun items to add to our boxes. Knowing he is feeling loved and remembered will help all of us. In someways this will be hardest on him. The children and I get to go through this together close to family and friends. He is reporting to a command where he knows no one, traveling to a variety of new places, cultures and climates. He is the one who will be missing Christmas, birthdays, concerts, etc... 

5 - Allow us to help you! One of the best things we can do is keep busy and our focus on God and others. I will say "no" if  something is too much, but part of finding our new normal will be in participating in our community and in the lives of family and friends. 

I have already been blessed by the number of people who are praying for us and have volunteered help. God has blessed us with a great support network that not every military family has. 

A Year of Change for Calvin Institute (Part 2): Schole, Schedules and Socialization

As I was praying and planning for this school year there was one thing that kept coming up - the need for peace.  This fall, we will pack up our house, leave behind church and friends, drive 900 miles to a new house, try to reintegrate with friends and family, find a new church and say goodbye to Daddy. Holding on to our Rock, our Peace in the midst of the storm, our Home port will be the only thing that will pull us through.

This summer I was introduced to the concept of "Schole", through Chris Perrin of Classical Academic Press. "Schole" is the Greek word for school....and leisure. The idea is that learning, education, should be restful! In a day and age when academic learning is defined by high stakes testing, multitasking is the norm, and pressure to achieve abounds from all angles, "schole" almost seems antithetical to learning.

We put aside the busy work.

We focus on one task at a time.

We keep first things first.

We focus on enjoying the journey - not on the destination!

Finding peace in the midst of 6 children, laundry, cleaning, cooking, church,  bills, budgets, grocery shopping, doctors appointments, packing, and planning, must be a deliberate act. It must begin with me.

I began with the schedule. Curriculum was consolidated and pared down to meet individual needs while eliminating busy and extra work. Then I sat down to the yearly task of trying to figure out how one of me is going to be stretched across 6 children, 30 "classes" and a household.  I got overwhelmed. I cried. I gave up.

I become a slave to the schedule. It masters me, leaving me feeling exhausted, stretched too thin and unaccomplished. There is too much to do and not enough time no matter how I try to plan. So I stopped planning. Ok, I stopped planning the hour to hour and day to day for everyone. Instead, I plan a week at a time in 5 week chunks. Each child now receives a weekly assignment chart, broken down by subject and recommended daily tasks, and all books, worksheets, maps, questions etc.. needed for the entire week. How those tasks get done, in what order and when I do what with whom is left up to life. We have a rough outline of the week. Math, literature, grammar, writing and Latin are done every day. Social Studies on Monday and Wednesday; Science on Tuesday and Thursday with Friday being reserved for dialectic and rhetoric discussions - and those that are most important. History and Literature Socratic discussion may not happen every week, but it happens when the content or student most needs it. I am choosing to make curriculum a tool we use, not the master of our day.

I have really cracked down on chores and waking up. I wake everyone up - once. There is a list of chores that need to be done each day, once a week and once a month. I no longer assign them, but every child must be working on chores, and they all must be completed, before breakfast. If you don't help, you don't eat. I refuse to argue, beg, yell, or bribe. It is very simple. If I don't see you working, helping and cooperating, you don't eat.....and it is up to me and me alone to determine when it is completed. The first several weeks there were unhappy, and hungry, children.  Sometimes they had chosen to go back to sleep after being woken. Some chose to sit on the couch and watch others work.  Some were sent back to their rooms until they were ready to help cheerfully, or at least without bickering or being mean. 7 weeks into school, most of the them have realized it is in their own best interest to just do what needs to be done!

The hardest for me in choosing peace is when it is all falling apart. Refusing to argue with a child.

Giving myself a "time-out" when I need it.  Taking a breath, and even delaying discipline or the next task, until I can handle it with love and grace. Taking the time to cuddle the fussy preschooler; or listen to the emotional teen; or guiding minds to discover for themselves instead of answering questions.  I am trying to be more intentional about creating an environment that is peaceful for me. Not that the children's, and my husband's, preferences don't matter, they do, but knowing that I matter too and if I am not at peace, the rest of the household suffers. Morning and evening quiet time is essential for me. It doesn't matter if I read, study, play Facebook games, blog or take a walk, I need time away from noise, confusion and clutter.  Frequently during the day, I have quiet music playing in the background - usually some Chris Tomlin or the Gettys while preparing breakfast, classical or several varieties of instrumental during school (the 8 year old is into ragtime right now), and maybe something a little more upbeat during the afternoon (if my preschooler has her way it is the Frozen soundtrack!).  Music quiets my mind, sets my heart on things above and soothes my soul.  Inevitably, the lyrics swirling through the house, or through my mind, speak to what is going on at the moment.  Tomlin reminds me "My chains are gone/I've been set free" when I'm feeling cornered, or Queen Elsa pleads to "Let it go" as a preteen is grumbling.

Most important is remembering where peace comes from. The schedules, the clean house, the environment I create must all be anchored in the Prince of Peace.  I must choose daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute, to find peace in Christ.  He is my Shelter in the midst of the storms of life and the Giver of fair winds and following seas.  He provides grace for each and every moment, and joy overflowing through out the day.  He is my Strength, my Song, my Salvation.

Rhetoric, Recitation and Relocation: A Year of Change for Calvin Institute (Part 1)

National Homeschool Day is this week, so I thought it fitting to give my yearly run down of what is going on at the Calvin Institute for Higher Learning this school year. My hope is you will find having a peek into our school encouraging and maybe I can gain some ideas from you!

The 2014-2015 school year is our 9th year of this home education adventure; it is also a year of big changes for us.  Later this fall the children and I will move several hundred miles, closer to family and friends, while our school principal (aka "Daddy") serves God and Country across the globe for the next year. We officially opened our high school this year with the promotion of the graduating class of 2018 to Rhetoric, 2 enrolled in Dialectic (middle school), 2 in Grammar (elementary) and a preschooler.  Academically, this is a year of solidifying skills for all our students. Except for the preschooler, for the first time, everyone is reading and writing at the beginning of the school year!

The family and location changes, and the wide range of ages/abilities, prompted big curriculum changes for this year. Our "core" curriculum is now Tapestry of Grace - a Christian curriculum based on the 4 year classical cycle and pedagogy including social studies, literature, government, philosophy, church/biblical history, fine arts and language arts. (We chose not to use the language arts portion.) All the children now study the same topics at the same time with a lot of flexibility to customize assignments and skill-acquisition for each child.  For me, the teacher's manual provides an overview of the history being studied each week, guides for leading Socratic discussions, and a wide variety of ideas of activities to incorporate into our studies each week. 5 weeks into it, and I could not be happier!

To coincide with our study of Ancient History, we are diving into the world of Biology this year. Well, most of us. The high schooler hits Chemistry this year, continuing with Science for High School - an inquiry based curriculum, with labs.  Our Dialectic students are using Classiquest Science to guide their exploration of Biology. The Grammar students and I are piggy-backing off the topics the Dialectics dive into each week using a variety of Kingfisher, DK and Usborne encyclopedias with hand-on activities.

Language Arts is the most diverse aspect of our school this year. I really wanted to work on strengthening each students' skills, so each sub-subject was fully individualized. Literature and literary analysis is being covered with Tapestry of Grace, with books coordinating with our history studies. We've already enjoyed some Egyptian Myths, Ancient Egyptian poetry and the Epic of Gilgamesh this year.  Everyone is continuing to write with The Instutite for Excellence in Writing (IEW), though each child is using a different thematic book based on individual skill level and interest. The youngest is enjoying Bible Heroes (written expressly for early elementary students who are reading, ready to write, but not ready for their Student Writing Intensive); our 8 year old is working on Fables, Myths and Fairy Tales; the 10 year old on Bible-based Writing Lessons; and the 12 year old on Ancient History Writing Lessons. Our high schooler is doing a one-semester intensive course on Writing Research Papers and hopes to follow it up with A Guide to Writing Your Novel.  Spelling is being covered through Phonics Zoo (from IEW) and All About Spelling - both are phonics-based, mastery programs.  We took a very different approach to grammar this year, realizing that much of our grammar instruction was being duplicated with Latin. The 8, 10 and 12 year olds are using Memoria Press's  Latina Christiana, First Form and Second Form Latin. They have developed English Grammar Recitation which reinforces the grammar already being taught through Latin, and adds in aspects which are unique to English. The 6 year old is using First Language Lessons from Peace Hill Press. Our high schooler's Latin Alive 2 includes so much grammar we didn't feel the need to give her separate English grammar.  I've also added in additional copywork, dictation, and handwriting practice using  New American Cursive, from Memoria Press, and Write Through the Bible. The 12 year old has begun a formal vocabulary study using Vocabulary Through Classical Roots and continues with logic skills using Spider Island (Critical Thinking Inc). She may move into a more formal study of logic later this school year.

We are in our 9th year using Math U See, but adding in daily fact review and strengthening with Xtra Math. Most of the children are also daily working with flash cards, Math Wrap-ups and Turbo Twist Math to work on mastering addition, subtraction, multiplication and division facts.  Math U See has gained a reputation in some circles of being math-lite. After some testing with my children over the summer, and some research, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't the curriculum is light, but that it provides such a solid foundation in mathematical thinking and concepts, that even more advanced math become easy! All the bells, whistles, and cluttered worksheets are unnecessary when there is solid instruction and mastery. Now, our real test of the curriculum will come this and next year as our oldest confronts honors chemistry and physics!

Finally, our "preschool". The longer I do this, the more convinced I become that structured formal learning for preschoolers is a waste of time and money (and my degree is in Early Childhood Education).  An environment rich in real language (not screens or digital media!), freedom to engage in open-ended play and varied experiences will do more to prepare a child for formal education than anything else. Our 3 year old asked to "do school" with us this year, so we have accommodated her request. She has a "school shelf" with a box of toys that develop shape, letter, number, sorting and sequencing skills. She has a binder in which to put her coloring pages and "writing". She loves to play in the room while I do read-alouds with the other children; she builds with the math manipulatives; the older children will read their assignments to her; she has playdough within easy reach (and she knows how to clean it up!). I have stocked alphabet coloring pages for her to color and decorate with crayons, markers, stickers, cheerios or whatever else I can find, and basic Kumon workbooks with easy mazes, tracing and cutting activities. She works on what she wants to, when she wants to. Right now her favorite activity is matching magnetic wooden letters to letters I have printed onto a whiteboard. We work together to put them away, naming letters and phonemes as we go. Frequently we have music on in the background during our school day to which she dances and sings. Full, well rounded preschool "curriculum" with very little expense, no stress and lots of fun!

As with any year's curriculum plan, we leave much room for changes. Already one child has switched spelling curriculum and another has changed Latin levels. But, that is the beauty of home education - the freedom to change as growing children change and develop individual strengths, weaknesses, and interests.

A Tearful Plea

Sitting in a quiet house this morning, Bible open and sipping a cup of coffee - with tears streaming down my face. My heart breaking for a dear friend, knowing there isn't anything practical I can do for her from thousands of miles away. Yet more than anything this morning I long to give her a big hug and a helping hand.

You see, she is living in the place I have lived for so long. A place very few people seem to understand, or are willing to talk about. A place that God seems to be calling many of His daughters. A place of extreme loneliness, exhaustion and being overwhelmed. A place where the Church, should be stepping up to help, but more often than not meets us with insensitivity, worn out platitudes and cliches.

Its extreme motherhood.

A growing number of Christian woman are feeling called to a life that bucks society. We have felt called to trust God with the shape, size and make-up of our families. We feel called to educate these children at home. For many of us, we have been called to live away from family and friends. We have a deep desire to help others, to teach Sunday School, volunteer at nursing homes, lead worship, and organize Operation Christmas Child drives.

And for many of us, our husbands have been called to jobs, both secular and full-time ministry, that keep them from home.

So we live for months, and even years, with little to no sleep, the responsibility of Mom, Dad, teacher, administrator, doctor, chef, housekeeper, taxi driver, gardener, mechanic, handy-man, etc..., etc..., etc... Homeschool co-ops (for that all important "socialization") require we volunteer and teach. Churches call us to lead VBS, volunteer in the nursery, shuttle kids to children's programs and youth events, and cook meals for other families.

And we crash. We fall apart. We reach the end of our rope. And there is no one there.

Too many times I've  had older women tell me, "Someday you will look back on these days and miss them." Except now, several year out of the baby-stage, I can't remember them. I don't remember the cuddle time, the coos, the first steps, the first words, the first smiles. I can't tell my children about how their siblings gave them hugs in the hospital, or their first trip to the zoo, or what they did with their first birthday cake. I was so tired then, that I can't remember those sweet moments now. They are gone. And that breaks my heart.

I've been  told, "Just put them into public school" - Put them into public school and reject the calling of God to homeschool them? For some people, homeschooling is a choice. Public schooling is a choice. Private school is a choice For me, homeschooling has been a calling I can't ignore, even when I've wanted to. Even when I've needed to!  It isn't an option, it is what God is calling me to do.

I've been told "Having all these children was your choice" -The idea that I have full and complete control over the new lives God may use me to create and raise is a lie. God will create life when He wants. For some people that means they may never have children. Some may have one or two. For others, it means we have numerous children - sometimes despite all modern medicine has to offer. I've even had "Christians" suggest I should  kill an unborn child.  I don't know why God gives some of us more than others, but He does. And while they are each a blessing from Him, IT IS HARD.  Each child bring more joy, and more responsibility.

I've been told, "Just spend more time in the Word and Praying. God will give you what you need." I try, we all try. But the 60 seconds we may have between crying babies, spelling lists, and toddlers playing in the toilet doesn't fill an empty soul. We barely have the strength to send up pleas for help in those moments when it feels as if everything is falling apart. Those few quiet moments we may have for real conversation with our Heavenly Father results in us falling asleep on our knees in exhaustion. I've been turned away from more than one bible study because I come with school aged children during the day, and a van load of many children in the evening - and I have no one to help with childcare.

"Your husband should be helping more." He's tired too! Our men work hard, often long hours, away from home to provide for us and minister to others.  For a long time my husband worked 80 and 90 hour weeks, at one point at 2 different jobs, so that we could barely make ends meet. He didn't have friends. He rarely slept. He skipped meals so that the children and I had enough to eat. He spent every waking moment serving God and others - yet church members would complain he wasn't doing enough and family complained he wasn't home enough.  Encouragement often came with strings attached.

More than anything, I want fellow Christians to hear and understand and see the cries of women like me, sitting in your pews, volunteering in your Sunday Schools, driving youth to ministry events. We are tired - no, we are beyond exhaustion. We are broken. We are barely hanging on in this life God has called us to - and the one place we should be able to turn to for help and comfort on this journey is often the place where more is demanded of us. Often, it is the place we can least honest about what we are dealing with.

It doesn't take much. I will be forever grateful for the woman who came to my house every week, took all our laundry, and returned a couple days later with piles of clean, folded and ironed clothes.  I love the grandmas, grandpas and young adults in our church who volunteer in the nursery and teach Sunday School, so that I can have an hour, once a week, with my Savior. I am thankful for the woman sitting behind me in church, who came, took my fussy infant and got her to sleep so I could sooth a melting down toddler and help my elementary child find the sermon text in her Bible. The woman who put her arms around me and just let me cry, acknowledging that this is hard, overwhelming and humanly impossible, is one of the biggest blessings of my life.  I will never forget the dad who took my son to a soccer game with his, because our Dad was busy serving us and others so couldn't do it himself or the man who would share his season tickets to the Bears, and the elders who allowed him to leave church early, so my husband could have an afternoon "off".

There will be a day, which is quickly approaching, in which I will be able to lend the helping hand and do the extra laundry.  I am reaching the point where I can be that shoulder to cry on or a babysitter for an afternoon so mom can sleep - or run errands in peace. Right now, I can write this little blog and ask, no beg, my family in Christ, to step in and help us in this super-human calling God has given us.

I can't help my friend today. I'm too far away and still in the midst of it all myself - but maybe you can.

Vision Issues

It is the beginning of the school year in our household. New books, pencils, crayons, notebooks and..... vision screenings. We head into each school year having each child's vision checked to ensure they can read, write and view with physical clarity. (There are days I think we need to have hearing checked too, but that is another issue!)  It is very challenging to learn and grow in knowledge and understanding if the world is not in focus.

Heading into the optometrist, we knew several children were struggling with their vision. It didn't come a surprise given both their parents have worn glasses since late elementary school. The last several months have come with consistent complaints about headaches, tired eyes, not being able to read signs and difficulty focusing - all of the typical signs of vision issues. Sure enough, we walked out with 4 new prescriptions and, the big surprise, a referral to a specialist.

A week later, the new glasses were picked up. The van was full of exclamations of:

"I can read the signs!"

"Wait, I didn't know that was there!"

"Everything is so.....big."

"The world is so bright!"

"The world is so bright." That was the one that hit me. Looking through eyes that do not correctly refract and interpret light, the world looks dark and full of shadows. Blobs pass by us and we never truly see the people and creation in our world. It grieved me when I realized all my children had been missing. I also rejoiced that they could now more fully enjoy the life God has given them.  It reminded me of Isaiah 9:2 - a prophesy that Jesus later quotes in Matthew 4.

The people who walked in darkness

have seen a great light; 

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,

on them has light shown. (ESV)

Scripture is full of Light versus Dark imagery. From Genesis 1 through Revelation we see a world that God created to be bright and full of light, but has been plunged into shadowy darkness by sin. The story of Man is one of attempting to find light in a world riddled with the darkness of evil, failure, disease, and hatred. The story of God is how He gives us that Light, redeems the darkness of mankind and creates a new world bright with hope, love, forgiveness and joy. 

For some people, it is obvious to them, and others, that they are missing something. They spend much time and energy attempting to "see" correctly. They attempt to move closer to God through good works, much like my children would hold books closer to read. They "squint", or try to change their vision, through addictions and fantasy. Others just embrace the darkness, telling themselves and others that what they see is all there is, so just make the best of it. 

Then there are those people, and those times, like my son. He is an active, rambunctious 8 year old boy. Like most boys his age, he has a hard time sitting still and focusing. His body has been made for movement and physical labor, so sitting and working on reading and multiple digit multiplication is tedious and painful. When math became a daily struggle, we chalked it up to being an 8 year old who would rather be playing soccer or making Lego superheros, than plowing through rows of numbers. We have him run when he can't sit still, break assignments up into smaller chunks, use graph paper to help with place value and even discipline with the hope of helping him gain more self control.  Even with the accommodations and aids, math is a daily struggle. Imagine our surprise when we were told, that this child who has never complained about his sight,  has eyes which do not track together - making reading and focusing very difficult. The optometrist confirmed that while part of his issue with math is probably just being 8, he is physically incapable of focusing on columns of numbers. His eyes have to work so hard to move around a page, that attempting to "carry a ten" or "keep numbers in their place value" may be more than his brain can handle. 

Our girls' vision issues were obvious and easily corrected with glasses. As Christians, it can be very obvious to us that the world needs the corrective assistance of the Holy Spirit. In a world so full of hatred and sin we long for the day when "every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess" - and all will see the glory of God. We can look at nations and neighbors and say, "If they would only believe". We witness and evangelize with the hope that just one more person will see the Light. We study the Bible, pray and go to church with the faith that those things will allow us to see more clearly. 

So often though we miss the less obvious "vision" issues - especially in ourselves. We allow ourselves to believe that because we have the Holy Spirit, because we believe, we can see ourselves, each other and the world clearly. We can even go as far as believing, or at least acting as if we believe, that if we just work hard enough, love people and God more, and make some changes, we can be everything God wants us to be.  We tell ourselves we just need to make better choices, have more faith, be more diligent in Bible study etc.., etc.., etc.. While all those things are true and beneficial, we tend to ignore the underlying problem. No matter how clearly we think we see and understand, while on this earth, we see "as in a mirror darkly".  We forget that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. We don't realize our vision is tainted.  We cannot imagine all God has planned.  We do not see all that He does.  We can see bits and pieces of the big picture, but never the entire thing. Our minds cannot comprehend all He is, so we cannot fully explain or understand what is right in front of us. We may know that we need to "carry a ten", but our spiritual eyes are not strong enough, yet. to see exactly where it goes. 

Just as our son will need help in strengthening his eyes, we need help in strengthening our spiritual vision. So we pray, we study, we worship,  and we fellowship. At times it is an easy joyful thing. We see results quickly. Other times it is time consuming, painful and tedious. It seems we will never see it all. Our optometrist was honest that he does not have the expertise and know-how to fully help our son. We must be honest that we need outside help. We need each other, our pastors, mentors, counselors and, most importantly, the Holy Spirit, to help us see the things we don't even know we are missing. Sometimes we need to trust that others see things in us, in our families and in our churches, that we can't. 

We are putting our son's vision into the hands of a specialist with the faith that as one who has more knowledge and understanding, he can help in ways we never can.  We are backing off on the multiple digit multiplication until the underlying issue is corrected or we have the tools we need to help him. One day, he will face multiplication without stress, but that day may be a long time coming. 

I need to do the same with my life. I need to rely on the One who has more knowledge and understanding. I need to trust that there may be others who see me more clearly than I see myself.  I need to stop worrying about the symptoms of sin, and deal with the underlying issues of my heart. I need to remember that my vision issues will never be fully resolved on this earth, but one day, I will see clearly - and it will be brighter and more beautiful than I ever imagined. 

The Grace to Forgive

Maybe it is just a natural result of being part of a large family, or in formal ministry, or just being alive, but in the last several years I have had the opportunity to deal with a significant amount of conflict. Not just the "Mommy! She's touching me!" conflict - though there is plenty of that around here. I mean, BIG conflict. The type that tears apart families and churches. I've watched it divide congregations, end marriages, separate friends and alienate family.  The pain created during these conflicts can be excruciating for those involved. especially when it is not handled well. No matter who is involved, the situations surrounding it, or the beliefs of those affected, inevitably conflict always involves forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a bit of a buzz word within Christian circles. "Jesus forgave your sins" so you must forgive others. But do we really understand what that means? So often we treat forgiveness as an emotion, or something that is earned, or even as a means of inducing guilt. I recently had someone tell me, "Well, I was pushed into reconciling, but I wasn't ready to forgive so it didn't go well," I've heard, "I've forgiven, but he needs to pay for what he did."  "Forgive her so she will be so convicted of her sin." How many times have I commanded a child, "Tell her you are sorry!"?  All of those completely miss Jesus' example of forgiveness.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Rom 5: 6-11 ESV)

In the midst of a very painful experience, God used this verse to bring me to my knees in repentance. What I learned made years of turmoil manageable.  It gave me the strength to face, and  love, those who were hurting me. Once the situation was dealt with, it made reconciliation and healing much easier than it probably would have been otherwise. 

1 - Forgiveness is not based on emotion.  Forgiveness is based on love, God's love, and love is a choice. God does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He chooses to. He forgives us because it is a means of demonstrating that choice to love. I can't imagine, that while suffering the  total physical and spiritual agony of the cross, a punishment he by no means deserved or earned, Jesus "felt" like forgiving. Every part of his human nature had to be screaming against it. Being fully human, there must have been incredible temptation to give in to the need for "justice". We know that looking into the last 24 hours of his life, Jesus begged to be released from what he knew was to come. Jesus paid for our forgiveness despite what he was feeling. Jesus didn't wait until He was ready. He didn't wait until He felt like it. He paid for our forgiveness "at the right time" - when God told Him to. He chose to forgive, despite what it cost Him, because He chose to love.

2 - Forgiveness is not based on the apology or acknowledgement of someone else.  "While we were yet sinners"  Jesus forgave us while we were still his enemies. Think about that for a moment. While we were nailing Him to the cross, He was forgiving. While He was slowly suffocating to death, He was forgiving you. While He was being beaten on your behalf - He was forgiving you. As Christians, we have the spirit of Christ living in us. If He forgave us while we were still his enemies, we are able to forgive others even while they are hurting us. To do any less is to deny what He did for us.

3 - Forgiveness is not about me. Forgiveness has wonderful benefits for us. Unforgiveness is burdensome and painful. Forgiveness frees us from that. It also has amazing benefits for those whom we have forgiven. There is nothing like being able to put behind you the pain you have caused someone else. But, as Christians, that is not why we forgive. We are to forgive to glorify God. When we forgive to make ourselves feel better we are trying to do in our own strength what only God has enabled us to do. When we forgive to try to free someone else from their guilt, we put ourselves in the Holy Spirit's place of conviction and redemption in that person's life. He may use our forgiveness to convict, but only He can bring conviction and peace to someone's heart. We are to forgive, because we are forgiven, for God's glory.

4 - Forgiveness begins with facing my own sin. Jesus did not have his own sin to face, but we do. Actually, Jesus took on our sin, owned it for us, so that He could face it, forgive it, and enable us to forgive others. We forgive because we are forgiven. That means it begins with facing those things we need to be forgiven for! Facing our own sin allows us to approach others' sin with humility. Just as Jesus, as fully God, willingly humbled himself to become man and be humiliated on the cross, we need to go humbly to the cross where we find the grace and love needed to forgive others. "...take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:42b ESV)

5 - Complete forgiveness can be a journey, not just a one time thing.  There are times when we are able to completely forgive with one decision. For little one-time things that can be very easy. The big things and repeated offenses, can be a very different story!  Jesus's road to our forgiveness was not the result of one decision - it was a series of steps that led to our total absolution. The Last Supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, His trial, His Crucifixion,  each word spoken on the cross, His final breath "It is finished.".... At each point He had to make the decision to submit to His Father's will. At any point, He could have called angels down to save Him. He could have stopped the entire thing. It was a long, painful process. Sometimes those "logs in your own eye" are bigger than we think. Sometimes they are removed in one big chunk; other times they are removed splinter by splinter. To say, "I forgive" isn't enough. It means choosing to not think about the offense when it pops in our minds. It means choosing to not give into anger and bitterness. It means choosing to not carry offenses into other ones and deal with each incident separately. It means choosing to love even when we don't feel like it. It means in our hearts and minds seeing those people with the love and grace God does. It means praying for them.  It is being aware of our own hearts and where there may be hidden unforgiveness. Recently I was talking to a friend who told me she had forgiven some people who had hurt her, but she wasn't willing to trust them yet. 5 minutes later she launched into a long, angry, demeaning tirade about those same people. Her issue was not trust, it was hidden unforgiveness.  

For me, my struggle has been in allowing forgiveness to take time. In some of my most difficult situations, I've wanted to completely forgive right away because I wanted it over. I became very angry when day, after day, after day, I realized I was still dealing with an unforgiving heart - both in myself and others. I've learned, that sometimes God allows that process to take a LONG time, because in the process of learning to fully forgive, I am being more fully transformed into the woman He is calling me to be.  Each time I struggle with an angry thought, untrusting attitude or bitter words I am learning to allow God's process of healing to take place in my heart. I am placing my faith in His desire for me, not my desire.  At "the right time" He will look at me and those who have hurt me and say, "It is finished" -  and it will be beautiful beyond all imagination!

Decisions, Decisions....

Moms were busy cleaning up a picnic at a local park when children asked to run over to the playground. It was a quiet day, no one else was really around and we could easily see the equipment from where we were. "Stay together, but go ahead over and go play. We will be there in 5 minutes." As the children began running toward the slides and monkey bars I heard a mom stop her children and tell them, "I'm not comfortable with you being over there. Sit here and wait for me."

I get several emails a year from moms asking for information about home schooling. Usually, they express a desire to homeschool because they are concerned about an aspect of their public school. "Schools just aren't what they used to be. Bullies. Too much testing. God isn't allowed. I'm concerned about what it will do to my child."

Several years ago there was a push among some Christian groups to encourage parents to not allow their children to read the Harry Potter books. Why? There was concern that reading them would instill in children an interest in black arts, and open doors to witch craft and demonic powers - pulling them away from Christian teaching and the church.

Parenting is hard. Making decisions for our children can be challenging. There are a lot of factors to weigh and at times the responsibility of nurturing, protecting and raising these little gifts from God can feel overwhelming. In our age, we are blessed, or cursed, with seemingly infinite information and opinions to "help" along the journey. Send them to this school. Use this curriculum. Feed them this food. Don't feed them these foods. Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate. Watch these movies. Don't even consider those movies. If you don't do (fill in the blank) your child will turn from Christ.

Overwhelmingly, we are encouraged to make decisions based off one thing - fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of contamination. Fear of loss. Fear of sin. Fear of man. That mom at the park was afraid of what would happen if she wasn't right next to her children to protect them. Parents looking to change their children's education are afraid their children are missing something or will be harmed. Many churches are afraid that the wrong books, music and movies will lead children away from practicing the faith. We fear feeding children the wrong food will effect their long term health. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us." (I John 4:18-9 ESV)

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can paralyze and it can enable us to do things we wouldn't otherwise. It can completely overwhelm and darken everything else. It tells us that we are responsible for every outcome and every consequence; it says we are at the mercy of others.  It says that we are powerful; it reminds us we are weak. Fear says that God is not in control.

 It is the opposite of God's motivator - love. Specifically, God's love - agape love. This love sacrifices itself for the well being of others. It is constant, never changing. It brings hope. It brings peace. It brings joy. It motivates to do the same for others. It encourages that God is sovereign and we are always in His hand. 

Fear frequently disguises itself as love. That mom at the playground was certain she was loving her children by doing everything she could to keep them safe.  Churches preach that it is loving to protect our children from dangerous influences. But, there is a very fine line between doing the "loving" thing out of agape, and doing it out of fear. And, it does matter. An action done out of fear teaches our children something very different from the same thing done out of love.

Fear teaches man is sovereign. Love teaches God is sovereign. 

Fear teaches life is unpredictable. Love teaches God has it planned.

Fear teaches decisions are made by feelings. Love demonstrates Godly wisdom.

Fear instills insecurity and breeds fear. Love gives security and grows love.

It can be very difficult to tell when we are making decisions and acting out of fear or out of love. There have been so many times I have thought I was acting out of love, but hindsight revealed, that in reality, I was afraid of something.  I am learning, that as I grow in Christ, it becomes easier to tell the difference between the fear and the voice of the Holy Spirit giving me godly wisdom and discernment. There are a few questions I'm learning to ask myself:

1 - Does Scripture have something to say about this? Is it directly dealt with, or is this part of human understanding of what it is saying?  Scripture does not directly command me to home school my children. Nor does it command me to put my children into public school. I should not home school out of fear of the public schools. Homeschooling out of fear says that God is not capable of keeping my children safe and drawing them to Himself within the government school system. I home school my children because I believe that it is the best way to glorify God with my children's upbringing. On the other side, I cannot send my children to public school out of fear that I am ill-equipped or they will miss out on something if I keep them home. That is telling our children that God has not fully equipped us, or planned for, something He may be calling us to! If I send my children to public school it must be because I know it is where God is calling them, that He is sovereign, and He will work it for good. 

2 - Am I making this decision based on law, or grace? Law produces fear.  Grace produces love.  Jesus tells us that He fulfilled the Law, freeing us from its bondage. Yet, so often, we build "law" into our thinking, homes and parenting believing that these laws will keep us closer to God and "make Him happy". The problem? We cannot do anything to separate us from the love of God. Jesus did everything that needed to be done for God to lavish us with His love. We love BECAUSE He loves us. We do not obey to be loved. While a much bigger issue than I want to get into now, much of the time the issue is not law (do's and don'ts), but what is profitable toward God's glory. "“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." (I Corinthians 10: 23-24 ESV) While the commands of God give us a framework for how to do this, there is a lot of freedom! When we insist the family goes to church each Sunday, is it because we are trying to obey a command and fulfill some obligation, or are we aiming to glorify and serve Him? Do we expect the church to give us something, or are we there to build up the body of Christ? Are we unconsciously training our children to fear whether or not they are worthy of God's love because their service attendance, or that we respond to the love God lavishes on them through corporate worship? 

3- Am I afraid of something or is this a wisdom issue? The first time I left my oldest at home alone was terrifying! What if she gets hurt? What if someone comes to the door? What if she gets hungry and burns the house down? Not all 12 year olds are ready to for that responsibility, but we knew she was. My desire to keep her with me was my fear. The fear was a result of my desire to protect and control the situation instead of trusting her and God.  When my 8 year old asks to stay home by himself - that is completely a wisdom issue. Sorry bud, but that just isn't happening until you are older and more mature!

4 - Is this decision negatively affecting other areas of life that may be more important?  I don't like leaving my children with people I don't know well. But, I also need time away, by myself and with my husband, to be a good wife and mother. Is my fear of what may happen when I am away interfering with my marriage and well-being?  There have been times I have had to choose to trust God with my children's well-being, so that I can take care of immediately pressing issues personally and with my marriage. 

When it comes down to it, fear is a lack of faith. Fear is the belief that there is something that is outside of God's sovereign plan and control.  Fear is allowing something other than the love and grace of God make decisions for you. 

Next time you are faced with a decision, whether big or little, take a moment to look at what is controlling that decision. And remember, God will never leave you or forsake you - or your children.

But Mommy, she......

I hear myself saying it all the time to my children,
 "I'm not asking what she did, I'm asking what you did."

I don't allow tattling.  The rule of thumb around here is you try to take care of problems on your own, by talking them through, and then you come get Mommy. The only time they are to tell me what someone else has done is if they have tried to handle it on their own, and can't, or someone is being hurt - physically or emotionally. Even then, after listening to complaints, my first question usually is: "What did you do?"

Now, this frustrates my children to no end. They come wanting me to stop someone else's behavior, and I make them talk about themselves. I'm not trying to downplay how they feel about the situation. I usually repeat back to them their perspective of the situation and how they feel about it.  We talk about why they feel the way they do, and why they responded the way they did, but my primary goal is not resolving all the conflict around here. With a household of 8 sinners, that is impossible! My goal is to help them reflect on and identify their own contribution to situations, search their own hearts for where the Holy Spirit needs to help them change, learn there are multiple perspectives. Resolution only comes when we are willing to see things from other people's perspective. The key to resolving conflict is understanding how the other person sees the situation and admitting to our own failures - even if they were unintentional. Most of the time, the "offended" child realizes her actions or attitude contributed to the situation, and while the other child's actions may not have been righteous, she wan't any better. Most of the time, they are happily reconciled within minutes, both children apologetic and forgiving. I am finding that the same conflicts happen less and less frequently as the children learn to examine and take responsibility for their own hearts and behavior. Sometimes, I have to sit and hold a wronged child, reminding them that Christ died for us "while we were still sinners", and having an unapologetic sibling is an opportunity to show Christ-like love and forgiveness.

I've been confronted with how I do this in my own life. I have made difficult situations worse, because I would not see myself through another's eyes. It is so easy to assume I see a situation clearly and my actions and attitudes are completely justified. I can even claim to be attempting to resolve conflict "biblically" - yet in truth only have my personal interests and pride at heart. It is so easy to point fingers, and completely miss that conflict always involves two (or more) sinful people. My idea of resolution may not be the other person's idea of resolution. My view of the problem may not be the other person's view of the problem. My goals may not be their goals. The longer I hold on to my goals, my interpretations, my feelings, and my views, the longer the problem persists. It can be hard and painful to view myself through someone else's eyes. Yet, when I do that, the joy of true reconciliation comes not just through the restored human relationship, but with the work the Holy Spirit has done in my heart; bringing me closer to the woman God would have me be.

Then there are those times when resolution seems to be impossible. I was recently told by someone I would dearly love to reconcile with, that she does not want a relationship with me. Despite my best efforts and apologies, though I've tried to understand where she stands, and have been open to mediation, she will not bend, apologize or reconcile. I don't even understand where the problem is! It is those times when in the midst of the hurt, I have to choose to forgive.  I have to be willing to be there when, if ever, they are ready to truly reconcile. I have to choose to uphold them in love, mercy and grace, even while they are breaking my heart. Even when they have rejected me. I have to choose to love them as Christ loves me, because I am not yet perfected. I daily break His heart. Daily, I break our relationship. I reject His love. But daily He waits, and loves, and prays for me to return to Him - repentant.

He is saying to me: I didn't ask what they did. I'm asking what will you do?

The Call to Teach

It has been quite some time since I have blogged. Something about raising and homeschooling 6 children during the holidays while teaching an adult class and hosting 15 family members at Christmas has made time for writing difficult to find!

Here it is January, and like many moms, my attention has moved from celebrating the past year to planning and diving into the new. While we have many new adventures on tap for 2014, my first task is planning for the up-coming school year. It also happens that education is the next topic I had been planning on dealing with in this adventure into homes of grace.

In the class my husband and I are teaching, we spent several weeks looking at what scripture has to say on education, the history of education in America, the options we have available to us and how they meet God's goals for our children.  But, I want to take a slightly different approach here.

It has taken almost 13 years of parenting for me to realize that I am not cut out for this job. I love my quiet, my space, my uninterrupted time to read, think, write and play. As an introvert, I crave these things. They fuel me. Without them, I flounder, fail, and fall. Yet, I am a military wife and homeschooling mom to 6. Peace? Quite? Uninterrupted time alone?  Haha!  They are in very short supply around here!

BUT.....I have been perfectly equipped to do the task placed before me, in the strength and power of the Holy Spirit, through the grace of Jesus, by the direction of God.

So what does this have to do with how, as Christian Parents, we educate our children? Well.....

 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)

 "..these words that I command to you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children..." Deuteronomy 6: 6b-7a (ESV)

Scripture is very clear: every Christian parent is to be an educating parent.

Scripture has very little to say about parenting. But when it does speak about what parents are supposed to do, the priority is always on teaching our children about God: His ways, His laws, His creation, His providence. It doesn't tell us to make sure they know their multiplication tables, or can decline Latin verbs, or set up a proper scientific experiment, or write a properly formed 5 paragraph essay. We are not told to send them to college, train them for a vibrant career, equip them to be a great broadway star or NFL quarterback. We are to train them "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord".

And the job belongs to us. It does not belong to the state, the community, the church, teachers, Board of Educations, unions,....  God will hold us responsible for the education our children receive. The question that we must answer: How has He called me to do this? and What does it look like?

I think the answer is surprisingly simple: Everything our children are taught, should point them to their Creator and Savior. They should be shown His love, justice, provision and grace in every aspect of their world.

• History is the study of His providence through out time
• Science is the study of His ordering of and provision through Creation.

• Reading equips them to read and study His Word and to learn about the people around them so they can better reach out with His love.
• Writing equips them to communicate effectively to demonstrate and teach His grace.
• Math gives them a tool to describe His order and logic through creation.
• Foreign Language allows them to spread His gospel to those of other tongues.
• Music and Art are forms of worship, to beautifully express His joy in a manner that crosses time and nationality.

All together, their formal education is preparing them to fulfill God's purpose and plan for their lives.

How and where the formal part of this instruction happens is the difficult part.

I believe our family has been called to educate at home - yet I am not naturally designed to have all my children at home, all the time.

I have friends and neighbors who long to have their children at home. Though they have cried, prayed and sacrificed to make it happen, God has not opened that door yet.

I know parents who do not believe they can homeschool, and parents who cannot bear the thought of their children in public school. I know parents who homeschool out of fear of what will happen to their children, and parents who place their children in public school for fear they may not do a "good enough" job at home. I know homeschooling parents who keep their children home out of obligation, and public school parents who drop their children off to be free to pursue a career.  I know parents who homeschool to control what their children are exposed to, and parents who public school to expose their children to as many other ideas as possible. I know homeschoolers who judge any christian parent who does not have their children at home, and public school parents who judge those who keep their children home. I know home school parents who rarely mention God during "school time", and public school parents who faithfully point their children to Christ through every situation.

All of these things only serve to detract from the real call: to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Natural ability, comfort-levels, fear, control, socialization, opportunities, protection, exposure, obligation, careers and on and on all become idols if they control our decisions.

We have one charge, one call - and that is to instruct them in God.

God never promised to call us to something that comes naturally. He never promised we would be able to follow our dreams. He never promised our children would be with us all the time. He never promised we would have time-off.

He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. 

He promised we can do all thing through Him when He gives us strength. 

So whether you currently homeschool, public school or private school, I have one question for you.

Are you following God's call for you and your children, or are you following something else?