I hear myself saying it all the time to my children,
"I'm not asking what she did, I'm asking what you did."
I don't allow tattling. The rule of thumb around here is you try to take care of problems on your own, by talking them through, and then you come get Mommy. The only time they are to tell me what someone else has done is if they have tried to handle it on their own, and can't, or someone is being hurt - physically or emotionally. Even then, after listening to complaints, my first question usually is: "What did you do?"
Now, this frustrates my children to no end. They come wanting me to stop someone else's behavior, and I make them talk about themselves. I'm not trying to downplay how they feel about the situation. I usually repeat back to them their perspective of the situation and how they feel about it. We talk about why they feel the way they do, and why they responded the way they did, but my primary goal is not resolving all the conflict around here. With a household of 8 sinners, that is impossible! My goal is to help them reflect on and identify their own contribution to situations, search their own hearts for where the Holy Spirit needs to help them change, learn there are multiple perspectives. Resolution only comes when we are willing to see things from other people's perspective. The key to resolving conflict is understanding how the other person sees the situation and admitting to our own failures - even if they were unintentional. Most of the time, the "offended" child realizes her actions or attitude contributed to the situation, and while the other child's actions may not have been righteous, she wan't any better. Most of the time, they are happily reconciled within minutes, both children apologetic and forgiving. I am finding that the same conflicts happen less and less frequently as the children learn to examine and take responsibility for their own hearts and behavior. Sometimes, I have to sit and hold a wronged child, reminding them that Christ died for us "while we were still sinners", and having an unapologetic sibling is an opportunity to show Christ-like love and forgiveness.
I've been confronted with how I do this in my own life. I have made difficult situations worse, because I would not see myself through another's eyes. It is so easy to assume I see a situation clearly and my actions and attitudes are completely justified. I can even claim to be attempting to resolve conflict "biblically" - yet in truth only have my personal interests and pride at heart. It is so easy to point fingers, and completely miss that conflict always involves two (or more) sinful people. My idea of resolution may not be the other person's idea of resolution. My view of the problem may not be the other person's view of the problem. My goals may not be their goals. The longer I hold on to my goals, my interpretations, my feelings, and my views, the longer the problem persists. It can be hard and painful to view myself through someone else's eyes. Yet, when I do that, the joy of true reconciliation comes not just through the restored human relationship, but with the work the Holy Spirit has done in my heart; bringing me closer to the woman God would have me be.
Then there are those times when resolution seems to be impossible. I was recently told by someone I would dearly love to reconcile with, that she does not want a relationship with me. Despite my best efforts and apologies, though I've tried to understand where she stands, and have been open to mediation, she will not bend, apologize or reconcile. I don't even understand where the problem is! It is those times when in the midst of the hurt, I have to choose to forgive. I have to be willing to be there when, if ever, they are ready to truly reconcile. I have to choose to uphold them in love, mercy and grace, even while they are breaking my heart. Even when they have rejected me. I have to choose to love them as Christ loves me, because I am not yet perfected. I daily break His heart. Daily, I break our relationship. I reject His love. But daily He waits, and loves, and prays for me to return to Him - repentant.
He is saying to me: I didn't ask what they did. I'm asking what will you do?
