Thanks-giving in Everything

Rejoice always,

 pray without ceasing, 

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

(1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 - ESV)

Daily, I am reminded of all the ways God has blessed me and my family. How can I not be? We have been given more, and entrusted with more, than most people in all of history could even conceive. Yet, it is so easy to complain and focus on those things in life that are challenging, annoying and painful. This morning I was putting together our "Deployment Wall" - a space dedicated to keeping connected with our Daddy as he traverses the globe this year. As I was hanging the world map and Daddy Mail Box, the above verse from I Thessalonians came to mind. I began thinking of many of the challenges life has brought us, big and little, and quietly I began hearing that Still Quiet Voice reminding me of how He has used each.  I wanted to share some with you, praying God will use them to help you also "give thanks in all circumstances"

1 - Our drafty, cold house: Our new home is older, and we haven't had the chance to do some weather proofing yet. Nights have been cold. Stockinged toes quickly begin tingling on the hard wood floors. But, we have a home and one that more than meets our needs. It also meets many of our desires, and has a few perks thrown in.  We are not living on the streets, or in a refugee camp, or in tents. We have heat and extra blankets. We have a home we can share with others. 

2 - Spills, Interruptions, and Legos:  Our home is rarely quiet. My days are spent cleaning up messes, stepping on and over toys, refereeing arguments, and wishing for a hot cup of coffee with the book collecting dust on the shelf. But  - with each spill comes wam hugs; with each argument comes an opportunity to show grace; with each toy out of place comes the privilege of sharing with and serving others. Each interruption is an opportunity to love another human with the love Christ has shown me. That book collecting dust? I have a book I am capable of reading that can collect dust! 

3 - The Opportunity to be a Single Parent: First, I have been blessed to be a parent, and a parent to many children. So many women long, beg and pray for the blessing of children that came so easily for us. This upcoming experience of parenting alone is temporary (by God's grace!). Unlike so many moms who have been forced into single parenting, with no expectation of ever having a help-mate, our Daddy should eventually come home. He is not leaving voluntarily, because he is giving up on us, or pursuing selfish interests, or because he found something or someone new and more exciting, but because he has been called to an amazing task that will take him away for a period of time. Our Daddy has the privilege of serving our God and country in a way that is reflective of Christ's life - willingly and voluntarily offering it all for God's glory and the betterment of mankind. In the mean time, I can learn lessons that God may use to bless other moms in similar situations. I will have the opportunity to lean on Him in ways I wouldn't otherwise. 

4 - Our Miscarried Child:  I don't talk about him. In fact, until this blog, there are very few people who even know about him. We didn't know he existed until we lost him, because even modern medicine missed his arrival. I will miss the 4 year old face that won't be at the table tomorrow. I will miss buying him presents for Christmas and watching him open them. I will miss celebrating his 5th birthday this spring and helping him draw pictures for Daddy. But - I was blessed to be his Mommy for a few short weeks, even if I didn't even know it at the time. His loss makes me appreciate my 6 other children all the more. He showed me how fragile life can be and how much it should be cherished. He has allowed me to better mourn with those who mourn. He has given me one more reason to eagerly anticipate my final homecoming, when I will finally be able to hold and hug him. 

5 - Broken Relationships:  Broken relationships are devastating, and I've had several over the last few years. Particulars aren't important, but there was a time I didn't think I would survive the experience. Though I never want to experience the worse of it again, I have been gifted remarkable healing and restoration. I have been given a glimpse of the depth and power of God's love and grace, and the opportunity to extend it to others. Though not every relationship has as yet seen restoration, I have hope that it is possible. Not just possible, but that the other end can be more wonderful than the beginning. 

I'd encourage you to find your Thanksgivings in the painful parts of your life. God has incredible healing and hope in store for all who "give thanks in all circumstances". We don't know what the next year has in store, but it could be, that learning to give thanks for all of the past and present, is preparation and a source of strength for the future. 

This song, and the truths and promises in it, carried me through the darkest times. Sometimes His grace does come through raindrops and His healing can come through tears....

Deployment Cycle and Help for Civilian Friends and Family

In the next 2 months our family will be experiencing quite a few changes - 1000 mile move, new house, new church, and our first deployment. I've had several friends and family members ask how they can help us through this time. I've told each of them the truth, "I don't know". I have been very blessed by my civilian friends who are taking the time to try to understand what we will be experiencing and how to support us, but have struggled to come up with tangible answers. One thing I struggle with is asking for help, and identifying I need help, especially when I'm stressed. So..... I thought maybe one of the best things I can do right now, is try to explain the theory and psychology of "The Deployment Cycle" - the stages families and individuals tend to progress through when anticipating, experiencing and regrouping from deployments lasting over 3 months. 

Stage 1 - Anticipation of Loss - This is where we are now. We know it is coming. We are making and working though lists of things that need to be accomplished to keep family communication going, finances in order, and preparing for the unexpected and tragic. Stress and anxiety levels are beginning to increase so children are whinier and tempers are shorter. For our family, we are also feeling just generally more tired. We are trying to find ways to bridge the gap in our expectations for the next year as the children and I will have a completely different life from Daddy's. Each of us are going through periods when we need to talk about this next year, and times when we just can't deal with it. I find I am beginning to fluctuate between resenting my husband still needs to go to work everyday, because the Navy gets him for the entire next year, and feeling like I need to start shouldering all the responsibility on my own.

Stage 2 - Detachment and Withdraw - In the couple weeks leading up to the service member leaving, families tend to withdraw from each other. Couples tend to have at least one BIG argument and individuals begin wishing the service member would just leave.   Psychologically, in a sense, the deployment is beginning. There is a sense where everyone just wants to get the initial separation over with, and get on with life. 

Stage 3  - Emotional Disorganization - The service member leaves and the first month is filled with many mixed emotions for everyone involved. There can be relief that it has finally happened. There is sadness and sometimes anger at the loss, or just a numbness. In many ways there is a grief cycle that happens during the first month or so. Individuals are left feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone and often sleepless. 

Stage 4 and 5 - Recovery and Stabilization  -  This is where everyone establishes the "new normal". There are always ups and downs; good days and bad days; but there is an equilibrium that is established until about a month or so before the service member is anticipated to come home. 

That begins the second half of the cycle - which I plan to deal with as we approach it.

There are a few things I would greatly appreciate our family and friends keep in mind:

1 - Every member of our family is going to be feeling different things and needs will be different. Some of us need to be able to talk and be with people when stressed or sad; others need quiet and space. Our introverts will talk when they are ready, and pushing them before they are willing is counter productive. Allowing them space, or simply sitting quietly with them may be the best thing anyone can do. Our extroverts may need extra ears that are willing to take more time than normal to listen to whatever is in their head. They may require an extra amount of patience! We will have both needs within our family at the same time. 

2 - Please, be mindful of conversations around the children, especially concerning world events. We don't know what will happen during this time, and I attempt to be honest and open with them about current events, but just remember that it is their Daddy who could be in the middle of things. While normal conversations about events around the world may be benign for you, for them it could be very personal. Especially if there is a major event while he is away, keeping the news turned off and conversations on other topics while they are around would be greatly appreciated. 

3 - We will not always know, or be able to share, what our Daddy is doing or where he is. Our Daddy's and his shipmates' safety is our first priority - so please understand if we give vague answers to questions.  The children have been told to direct questions about his job, whereabouts and safety to me.   Discussing some of those things over the phone, email or Facebook can be a security risk - so if I don't answer a question or give information there may be a reason. 

4 - If you want to help, offering specific things you are willing to do would be best. A deployment specialist recommended I request this. I have a hard time asking for help. In the midst of stress and feeling overwhelmed, I don't always recognize where and how I need help. I also have this awful tendency to feel I need to deal with everything on my own. It will be much easier for me to give an answer to "Can I bring over dinner?" or "Let me come stay with the kids tonight." or "Do you need shoveled out?" then "What can I do?". 

5 - Remember our Daddy! We will send him letters and care packages fairly regularly. Feel free to send him things too, or give me notes, cards, and fun items to add to our boxes. Knowing he is feeling loved and remembered will help all of us. In someways this will be hardest on him. The children and I get to go through this together close to family and friends. He is reporting to a command where he knows no one, traveling to a variety of new places, cultures and climates. He is the one who will be missing Christmas, birthdays, concerts, etc... 

5 - Allow us to help you! One of the best things we can do is keep busy and our focus on God and others. I will say "no" if  something is too much, but part of finding our new normal will be in participating in our community and in the lives of family and friends. 

I have already been blessed by the number of people who are praying for us and have volunteered help. God has blessed us with a great support network that not every military family has.