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Over the course of the afternoon we got that wonderful first phone call, and a furry of text messages passed across 3,000 miles of land and ocean. Needless to say, school was done for the day. As I later sat at track practice, I was blessed to "see" what he was as he passed by sites and landmarks, sending me pictures of places he has wanted to visit his entire life. Our 3 year old sat next to me, begging to "text Daddy" and "see Daddy's ship", while I struggled to understand what I was feeling. Soon I found myself settling her in on bleachers with a coloring book, while I grabbed my phone and walked the track as fast as I could, struggling to keep back the tears that were overwhelming me. After several weeks of no contact, why was I so incredibly sad, in mourning even?
No matter how excited I was for him, how eager I was for each text and picture, and impatient for an actual phone call, I was overwhelmed with grief. All those positive emotions were being overwhelmed with the feeling that I wasn't where I belong. I should have been next to him. I belong with him. He is my other half and instead of sharing these exciting moments, seeing the look on his face as dreams became realities, I was 3,000 miles away watching a group of sweaty kids run around in circles. In that moment, I would have given up everything else, to be with him. Don't get me wrong, I love our children, but he holds first place in my heart.
Trying to distract myself from how I was feeling, I sent him several pictures of our children's practice. I got this text in response:
That's where I'd rather be.
I've struggled all weekend, with my heart walking around halfway around the world on sandy beaches, while I failed miserably at trying to live in the cold place God has placed me. It was during worship this morning, I began to understand.
I was right. I am not where I belong. There is a very real sense, that my husband and I are one. We belong together, sharing life together - all the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. I should be with him. I promised him and God on our wedding day that I would always be with him. Yet, where we have been called does not allow me to fulfill that promise, at least in a physical sense. I have a task here, and he there, that while singular in purpose, keep us from each other.
Where I find myself in my marriage right now, is a place similar to where we live with God. I am His and He is mine. I have been created to walk with Him, to live with Him and have perfect fellowship with Him. He also longs for my companionship and to love me with His everlasting love. But, that is not where we live. We live on a sin-filled earth that keeps us from walking with God the way we were created to. Instead of living with Him in the perfect garden He created for us, we live in a cold world with heartache, difficult responsibilities and separated from the One for whom our hearts long. He also longs for the day we will live with Him, perfectly, with nothing separating us from His arms. He longs for it so much, He left His Paradise, and gave up everything to purchase our passage back. We do not live where we belong.
I live with the daily hope that I will one day be back in my husband's arms; one day, we can live life together again, and there will be other dreams we can together watch become realities. I wake up each morning, and go to bed each night knowing he loves me, and would rather be with me and the mundane crazy of large family life, than at his tropic ports. One day, I will watch him walk down a long hallway, and will be in his arms where I belong. More importantly every Christian lives with the reassurance that we will one day be in our Savior's arms. That every heartache, tear, frustration and longing is a reflection of His longing for His children to be safely back home where they belong - back where we can walk together in the cool of the evening, working side by side without strain, pain, or longing. One day, He will come to bring us Home.
Both of those days, cannot come fast enough!
