Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Grace to Forgive

Maybe it is just a natural result of being part of a large family, or in formal ministry, or just being alive, but in the last several years I have had the opportunity to deal with a significant amount of conflict. Not just the "Mommy! She's touching me!" conflict - though there is plenty of that around here. I mean, BIG conflict. The type that tears apart families and churches. I've watched it divide congregations, end marriages, separate friends and alienate family.  The pain created during these conflicts can be excruciating for those involved. especially when it is not handled well. No matter who is involved, the situations surrounding it, or the beliefs of those affected, inevitably conflict always involves forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a bit of a buzz word within Christian circles. "Jesus forgave your sins" so you must forgive others. But do we really understand what that means? So often we treat forgiveness as an emotion, or something that is earned, or even as a means of inducing guilt. I recently had someone tell me, "Well, I was pushed into reconciling, but I wasn't ready to forgive so it didn't go well," I've heard, "I've forgiven, but he needs to pay for what he did."  "Forgive her so she will be so convicted of her sin." How many times have I commanded a child, "Tell her you are sorry!"?  All of those completely miss Jesus' example of forgiveness.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Rom 5: 6-11 ESV)

In the midst of a very painful experience, God used this verse to bring me to my knees in repentance. What I learned made years of turmoil manageable.  It gave me the strength to face, and  love, those who were hurting me. Once the situation was dealt with, it made reconciliation and healing much easier than it probably would have been otherwise. 

1 - Forgiveness is not based on emotion.  Forgiveness is based on love, God's love, and love is a choice. God does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He chooses to. He forgives us because it is a means of demonstrating that choice to love. I can't imagine, that while suffering the  total physical and spiritual agony of the cross, a punishment he by no means deserved or earned, Jesus "felt" like forgiving. Every part of his human nature had to be screaming against it. Being fully human, there must have been incredible temptation to give in to the need for "justice". We know that looking into the last 24 hours of his life, Jesus begged to be released from what he knew was to come. Jesus paid for our forgiveness despite what he was feeling. Jesus didn't wait until He was ready. He didn't wait until He felt like it. He paid for our forgiveness "at the right time" - when God told Him to. He chose to forgive, despite what it cost Him, because He chose to love.

2 - Forgiveness is not based on the apology or acknowledgement of someone else.  "While we were yet sinners"  Jesus forgave us while we were still his enemies. Think about that for a moment. While we were nailing Him to the cross, He was forgiving. While He was slowly suffocating to death, He was forgiving you. While He was being beaten on your behalf - He was forgiving you. As Christians, we have the spirit of Christ living in us. If He forgave us while we were still his enemies, we are able to forgive others even while they are hurting us. To do any less is to deny what He did for us.

3 - Forgiveness is not about me. Forgiveness has wonderful benefits for us. Unforgiveness is burdensome and painful. Forgiveness frees us from that. It also has amazing benefits for those whom we have forgiven. There is nothing like being able to put behind you the pain you have caused someone else. But, as Christians, that is not why we forgive. We are to forgive to glorify God. When we forgive to make ourselves feel better we are trying to do in our own strength what only God has enabled us to do. When we forgive to try to free someone else from their guilt, we put ourselves in the Holy Spirit's place of conviction and redemption in that person's life. He may use our forgiveness to convict, but only He can bring conviction and peace to someone's heart. We are to forgive, because we are forgiven, for God's glory.

4 - Forgiveness begins with facing my own sin. Jesus did not have his own sin to face, but we do. Actually, Jesus took on our sin, owned it for us, so that He could face it, forgive it, and enable us to forgive others. We forgive because we are forgiven. That means it begins with facing those things we need to be forgiven for! Facing our own sin allows us to approach others' sin with humility. Just as Jesus, as fully God, willingly humbled himself to become man and be humiliated on the cross, we need to go humbly to the cross where we find the grace and love needed to forgive others. "...take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:42b ESV)

5 - Complete forgiveness can be a journey, not just a one time thing.  There are times when we are able to completely forgive with one decision. For little one-time things that can be very easy. The big things and repeated offenses, can be a very different story!  Jesus's road to our forgiveness was not the result of one decision - it was a series of steps that led to our total absolution. The Last Supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, His trial, His Crucifixion,  each word spoken on the cross, His final breath "It is finished.".... At each point He had to make the decision to submit to His Father's will. At any point, He could have called angels down to save Him. He could have stopped the entire thing. It was a long, painful process. Sometimes those "logs in your own eye" are bigger than we think. Sometimes they are removed in one big chunk; other times they are removed splinter by splinter. To say, "I forgive" isn't enough. It means choosing to not think about the offense when it pops in our minds. It means choosing to not give into anger and bitterness. It means choosing to not carry offenses into other ones and deal with each incident separately. It means choosing to love even when we don't feel like it. It means in our hearts and minds seeing those people with the love and grace God does. It means praying for them.  It is being aware of our own hearts and where there may be hidden unforgiveness. Recently I was talking to a friend who told me she had forgiven some people who had hurt her, but she wasn't willing to trust them yet. 5 minutes later she launched into a long, angry, demeaning tirade about those same people. Her issue was not trust, it was hidden unforgiveness.  

For me, my struggle has been in allowing forgiveness to take time. In some of my most difficult situations, I've wanted to completely forgive right away because I wanted it over. I became very angry when day, after day, after day, I realized I was still dealing with an unforgiving heart - both in myself and others. I've learned, that sometimes God allows that process to take a LONG time, because in the process of learning to fully forgive, I am being more fully transformed into the woman He is calling me to be.  Each time I struggle with an angry thought, untrusting attitude or bitter words I am learning to allow God's process of healing to take place in my heart. I am placing my faith in His desire for me, not my desire.  At "the right time" He will look at me and those who have hurt me and say, "It is finished" -  and it will be beautiful beyond all imagination!


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Decisions, Decisions....

Moms were busy cleaning up a picnic at a local park when children asked to run over to the playground. It was a quiet day, no one else was really around and we could easily see the equipment from where we were. "Stay together, but go ahead over and go play. We will be there in 5 minutes." As the children began running toward the slides and monkey bars I heard a mom stop her children and tell them, "I'm not comfortable with you being over there. Sit here and wait for me."

I get several emails a year from moms asking for information about home schooling. Usually, they express a desire to homeschool because they are concerned about an aspect of their public school. "Schools just aren't what they used to be. Bullies. Too much testing. God isn't allowed. I'm concerned about what it will do to my child."

Several years ago there was a push among some Christian groups to encourage parents to not allow their children to read the Harry Potter books. Why? There was concern that reading them would instill in children an interest in black arts, and open doors to witch craft and demonic powers - pulling them away from Christian teaching and the church.

Parenting is hard. Making decisions for our children can be challenging. There are a lot of factors to weigh and at times the responsibility of nurturing, protecting and raising these little gifts from God can feel overwhelming. In our age, we are blessed, or cursed, with seemingly infinite information and opinions to "help" along the journey. Send them to this school. Use this curriculum. Feed them this food. Don't feed them these foods. Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate. Watch these movies. Don't even consider those movies. If you don't do (fill in the blank) your child will turn from Christ.

Overwhelmingly, we are encouraged to make decisions based off one thing - fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of contamination. Fear of loss. Fear of sin. Fear of man. That mom at the park was afraid of what would happen if she wasn't right next to her children to protect them. Parents looking to change their children's education are afraid their children are missing something or will be harmed. Many churches are afraid that the wrong books, music and movies will lead children away from practicing the faith. We fear feeding children the wrong food will effect their long term health. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us." (I John 4:18-9 ESV)

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can paralyze and it can enable us to do things we wouldn't otherwise. It can completely overwhelm and darken everything else. It tells us that we are responsible for every outcome and every consequence; it says we are at the mercy of others.  It says that we are powerful; it reminds us we are weak. Fear says that God is not in control.

 It is the opposite of God's motivator - love. Specifically, God's love - agape love. This love sacrifices itself for the well being of others. It is constant, never changing. It brings hope. It brings peace. It brings joy. It motivates to do the same for others. It encourages that God is sovereign and we are always in His hand. 

Fear frequently disguises itself as love. That mom at the playground was certain she was loving her children by doing everything she could to keep them safe.  Churches preach that it is loving to protect our children from dangerous influences. But, there is a very fine line between doing the "loving" thing out of agape, and doing it out of fear. And, it does matter. An action done out of fear teaches our children something very different from the same thing done out of love.

Fear teaches man is sovereign. Love teaches God is sovereign. 
Fear teaches life is unpredictable. Love teaches God has it planned.
Fear teaches decisions are made by feelings. Love demonstrates Godly wisdom.
Fear instills insecurity and breeds fear. Love gives security and grows love.

It can be very difficult to tell when we are making decisions and acting out of fear or out of love. There have been so many times I have thought I was acting out of love, but hindsight revealed, that in reality, I was afraid of something.  I am learning, that as I grow in Christ, it becomes easier to tell the difference between the fear and the voice of the Holy Spirit giving me godly wisdom and discernment. There are a few questions I'm learning to ask myself:

1 - Does Scripture have something to say about this? Is it directly dealt with, or is this part of human understanding of what it is saying?  Scripture does not directly command me to home school my children. Nor does it command me to put my children into public school. I should not home school out of fear of the public schools. Homeschooling out of fear says that God is not capable of keeping my children safe and drawing them to Himself within the government school system. I home school my children because I believe that it is the best way to glorify God with my children's upbringing. On the other side, I cannot send my children to public school out of fear that I am ill-equipped or they will miss out on something if I keep them home. That is telling our children that God has not fully equipped us, or planned for, something He may be calling us to! If I send my children to public school it must be because I know it is where God is calling them, that He is sovereign, and He will work it for good. 

2 - Am I making this decision based on law, or grace? Law produces fear.  Grace produces love.  Jesus tells us that He fulfilled the Law, freeing us from its bondage. Yet, so often, we build "law" into our thinking, homes and parenting believing that these laws will keep us closer to God and "make Him happy". The problem? We cannot do anything to separate us from the love of God. Jesus did everything that needed to be done for God to lavish us with His love. We love BECAUSE He loves us. We do not obey to be loved. While a much bigger issue than I want to get into now, much of the time the issue is not law (do's and don'ts), but what is profitable toward God's glory. "“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." (I Corinthians 10: 23-24 ESV) While the commands of God give us a framework for how to do this, there is a lot of freedom! When we insist the family goes to church each Sunday, is it because we are trying to obey a command and fulfill some obligation, or are we aiming to glorify and serve Him? Do we expect the church to give us something, or are we there to build up the body of Christ? Are we unconsciously training our children to fear whether or not they are worthy of God's love because their service attendance, or that we respond to the love God lavishes on them through corporate worship

3- Am I afraid of something or is this a wisdom issue? The first time I left my oldest at home alone was terrifying! What if she gets hurt? What if someone comes to the door? What if she gets hungry and burns the house down? Not all 12 year olds are ready to for that responsibility, but we knew she was. My desire to keep her with me was my fear. The fear was a result of my desire to protect and control the situation instead of trusting her and God.  When my 8 year old asks to stay home by himself - that is completely a wisdom issue. Sorry bud, but that just isn't happening until you are older and more mature!

4 - Is this decision negatively affecting other areas of life that may be more important?  I don't like leaving my children with people I don't know well. But, I also need time away, by myself and with my husband, to be a good wife and mother. Is my fear of what may happen when I am away interfering with my marriage and well-being?  There have been times I have had to choose to trust God with my children's well-being, so that I can take care of immediately pressing issues personally and with my marriage. 

When it comes down to it, fear is a lack of faith. Fear is the belief that there is something that is outside of God's sovereign plan and control.  Fear is allowing something other than the love and grace of God make decisions for you. 

Next time you are faced with a decision, whether big or little, take a moment to look at what is controlling that decision. And remember, God will never leave you or forsake you - or your children.