Stage 1 - Anticipation of Loss - This is where we are now. We know it is coming. We are making and working though lists of things that need to be accomplished to keep family communication going, finances in order, and preparing for the unexpected and tragic. Stress and anxiety levels are beginning to increase so children are whinier and tempers are shorter. For our family, we are also feeling just generally more tired. We are trying to find ways to bridge the gap in our expectations for the next year as the children and I will have a completely different life from Daddy's. Each of us are going through periods when we need to talk about this next year, and times when we just can't deal with it. I find I am beginning to fluctuate between resenting my husband still needs to go to work everyday, because the Navy gets him for the entire next year, and feeling like I need to start shouldering all the responsibility on my own.
Stage 2 - Detachment and Withdraw - In the couple weeks leading up to the service member leaving, families tend to withdraw from each other. Couples tend to have at least one BIG argument and individuals begin wishing the service member would just leave. Psychologically, in a sense, the deployment is beginning. There is a sense where everyone just wants to get the initial separation over with, and get on with life.
Stage 3 - Emotional Disorganization - The service member leaves and the first month is filled with many mixed emotions for everyone involved. There can be relief that it has finally happened. There is sadness and sometimes anger at the loss, or just a numbness. In many ways there is a grief cycle that happens during the first month or so. Individuals are left feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone and often sleepless.
Stage 4 and 5 - Recovery and Stabilization - This is where everyone establishes the "new normal". There are always ups and downs; good days and bad days; but there is an equilibrium that is established until about a month or so before the service member is anticipated to come home.
That begins the second half of the cycle - which I plan to deal with as we approach it.
There are a few things I would greatly appreciate our family and friends keep in mind:
1 - Every member of our family is going to be feeling different things and needs will be different. Some of us need to be able to talk and be with people when stressed or sad; others need quiet and space. Our introverts will talk when they are ready, and pushing them before they are willing is counter productive. Allowing them space, or simply sitting quietly with them may be the best thing anyone can do. Our extroverts may need extra ears that are willing to take more time than normal to listen to whatever is in their head. They may require an extra amount of patience! We will have both needs within our family at the same time.
2 - Please, be mindful of conversations around the children, especially concerning world events. We don't know what will happen during this time, and I attempt to be honest and open with them about current events, but just remember that it is their Daddy who could be in the middle of things. While normal conversations about events around the world may be benign for you, for them it could be very personal. Especially if there is a major event while he is away, keeping the news turned off and conversations on other topics while they are around would be greatly appreciated.
3 - We will not always know, or be able to share, what our Daddy is doing or where he is. Our Daddy's and his shipmates' safety is our first priority - so please understand if we give vague answers to questions. The children have been told to direct questions about his job, whereabouts and safety to me. Discussing some of those things over the phone, email or Facebook can be a security risk - so if I don't answer a question or give information there may be a reason.
4 - If you want to help, offering specific things you are willing to do would be best. A deployment specialist recommended I request this. I have a hard time asking for help. In the midst of stress and feeling overwhelmed, I don't always recognize where and how I need help. I also have this awful tendency to feel I need to deal with everything on my own. It will be much easier for me to give an answer to "Can I bring over dinner?" or "Let me come stay with the kids tonight." or "Do you need shoveled out?" then "What can I do?".
5 - Remember our Daddy! We will send him letters and care packages fairly regularly. Feel free to send him things too, or give me notes, cards, and fun items to add to our boxes. Knowing he is feeling loved and remembered will help all of us. In someways this will be hardest on him. The children and I get to go through this together close to family and friends. He is reporting to a command where he knows no one, traveling to a variety of new places, cultures and climates. He is the one who will be missing Christmas, birthdays, concerts, etc...
5 - Allow us to help you! One of the best things we can do is keep busy and our focus on God and others. I will say "no" if something is too much, but part of finding our new normal will be in participating in our community and in the lives of family and friends.
I have already been blessed by the number of people who are praying for us and have volunteered help. God has blessed us with a great support network that not every military family has.
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