I have been there more times than I wish to admit. Those days when everything seems to be falling apart and I can barely hold myself together, no less make order out of the chaos around me. The body, soul and mind are crying for help, relief and even escape, but rarely is that vocalized. I keep plugging along, praying "God help me!", but don't ask those God has put into my life to answer that prayer. Why??
I think one reason is because we have been told we aren't supposed to.
Intentionally or not, the church has sent a message that we are on our own and failure is not an option. Our pictures, magazines and websites are filled with picture perfect families, smiling moms, dads playing catch, couples lovingly looking at each other. Occasionally we have pictures of over dramatized, hair-pulling moms over titles such as "10 Easy Ways to Organize Your Life" and "Finding Your Joy in Chaos". Each and every picture communicating that if your life isn't picture perfect, it is because you have failed, you're not "right with God", your not organized enough, you don't discipline enough, your not strong enough, submissive enough, content enough, healthy enough...and you have to change to make it better. We have workshops, articles, blogs and sermons that tell us if we read our Bibles enough, pray enough, discipline ourselves and our kids enough, and follow "these 3 steps" that life will be problem free and God will bless us. If we want to admit we can't do it, the Church communicates the only place that should be done is in small groups, or on a counseling couch, where the response tends to be filled with righteous platitudes, here is a Bible verse to help you and we will be praying..... The response is focused on what YOU, the individual, should do or have failed to do.
I don't think this is how God intended for it to be.
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2 ESV)
This passage comes toward the end of a discussion on sin where we, as believers, are encouraged to "not gratify the desires of the flesh" (Gal 5:16), to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22), and to restore each other "in a spirit of gentleness" (Gal 6:1). How do we do this? First and foremost we are to "Bear one another's burdens". The Church is very good at the next part of this passage, "Let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load." But that follows the command to help each other - to share the burdens. Yes, we are responsible for ourselves. Each of us will be held accountable for our actions, attitudes and decisions - but we are not expected to do it alone. Bearing each other's burdens is not done by saying "Oh, you have a burden. Here are some Bible verses to tell you how to deal with it and I'll be praying for you." No! It means we see a burden someone is carrying and we pick it up. We walk with them, fully sharing the load with grace, compassion and gentleness. We get down in the mud to help pick them up when they fall. We pick up the load when it seems to be too heavy. We bind up wounds and give rest to the broken. We have to get our hands dirty and actively reach out when we see a need. And we do it without any expectations. We do it to "fulfill the law of Christ" -a law of active, messy, inconvenient grace, mercy, love and compassion. We are to spit in the mud to heal the blind man, pay for the healing of the victim on the side of the road, hold children on our laps, feed the 5,000, eat with prostitutes, and stop angry mobs ready for a stoning.
The other side is being willing to share our own burdens - something I greatly struggle with. For me, it is usually a pride issue. I don't want others seeing my failures and shortcomings - to know that I just can't handle life at times. It is also the pain of experience. I have tried to share my burdens in the past, asked for help, and been burnt in the process. There are times I don't want to burden others that I know are also carrying burdens.
Sharing our burdens not just helps us - it helps others. I once had a woman challenge me with this. She told me she want to know how she could help me because she needed to be helping others. Her grandchildren were too far away to be with, her retired husband was driving her nuts and if she just stayed home she was going to become depressed. She needed something to do, so by allowing her to help me, I was helping her. By sharing our burdens, both loads were lighter. (She ended up doing my laundry for me!)
When we share our burdens we make it easier for others to share their's. Others see that they are not alone in their struggles. I love seeing pictures of friends' kids - with a messy house in the background. Or videos of a newly mastered piano piece - with the sound of a screaming toddler from off-stage. It is encouraging to me to read other moms venting Facebook statuses - because I know I'm not the only one who struggles. It is so much easier to share and bear my challenges when I know others deal with the same things.
It builds trust. As we share the "minor" burdens of life, it builds trust, compassion and grace so that when the major challenges in life come, we don't have to struggle alone. When we have walked with each other through sleepless nights, parenting mis-steps, messy houses, and Walmart melt downs, it is easier to go to each other when a child rejects the faith; a spouse has an affair; we find ourselves drowning in addiction or depression; we are facing foreclosure and bankruptcy; we are doubting God.
Sharing our burdens builds accountability and helps prevent bigger burdens. Those "little" burdens we carry can quickly accumulate to become "big" burdens. How many overwhelmed mom's hide alcohol and drug addictions that started as a way to cope with the usual stresses of parenting? Just a "little something" to help them relax. How many marriages have suffered from affairs that were stumbled into because no one was willing to admit there were little problems? He was "just a friend" who listened. How many teens have taken their lives because they can't live up to magazine covers and keep up appearances?
I was glad to be able to leave my friend's home an hour later with the house picked up, dinner on the stove, house warming up, and children occupied. I didn't do much more than hold the baby, pick up a few toys, listen and talk. It wasn't much, I probably should have done more, but she was looking a little better. I was encouraged to know I'm not the only one who has days like that. I was happy to have the opportunity to relieve a little stress, to focus on someone other than myself and my family, and hopefully help her day end on a better note. As I walked out I asked her to please call when she needs help, and I hope she does, but also reminding myself that I need to ask for help too because I can't do this alone.
How often do you use the "H" word?
Marilee, This problem is also compounded by the fact that there is often no one we can ask for help. I can't justify asking another mom of little ones who is struggling as I am and once the little ones are all older, the moms often go back to work. Instead I have sometimes hired a "mother's helper" to make it through the week. I have found younger women who are still living at home and have the time. I would love for an older woman to come alongside and encourage and pray that I will be that woman to another someday.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a great article. :)
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