Love, Submit, Respect

Wives, submit to you own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her....husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself....Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and fold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5: 22-25, 28a, 31-33

It was the beginning of this journey God is bringing me on in more fully understanding grace within the context of marriage, family and child-rearing. We had made the decision to homeschool our oldest, so I was attending a local homeschool convention to find out what we were getting ourselves into. Taking a break from the overwhelming curriculum hall and "how-to" presentations, I sat in the back of a marriage seminar to nurse the baby, sit for a few minutes, and allow my brain time to absorb all I was learning. While my wriggly son only allowed me about 15 minutes to listen to the speaker, it was 15 minutes that would change my life, marriage and parenting. For the first time I heard the absolute necessity for my husband to feel respected - and that respect looked very different from what I thought.  

Ephesians 5 is probably the most referenced, and most misused passage on marriage. Traditionally it has been used to justify demeaning women. More modern Christians will dismiss it as "cultural" to only New Testament life and not relevant to our more progressive society. Both completely miss the intention of the passage - mutual submission.  Taken within context of the surrounding passages, it is commanding wives and husbands submit themselves to each other out of love for Christ and as a reflection of Christ's love for the church.

The command given to men to "love your wives" was revolutionary for the time. In a time when women were at best a means to gain property, status and ensure decedents, the idea of love within marriage would have been very progressive indeed! Paul dramatically elevates the status of women within the family. Even more than the idea of "love" within marriage, is the extent to which this love is to go. "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church."  No longer are wives there to be used, but they are to be so incredibly loved, cherished and honored that a husband gives up his life, dreams and ambitions for her. She is to be his primary concern. His life is to be lived for her benefit - to meet her inner most needs without regard for his personal gain!  

Wives, if our husbands could perfectly fulfill that command, wouldn't the command we are given be easy? It is easy to submit to someone who we know has our best interest at heart all the time. But just like us, our husbands are not perfect. They fail at this, frequently - and that is when it becomes very difficult for us to comply with the command to submit. Actually, a more accurate word is seen at the end of this passage's English translation - respect. Submission has a lot of negative connotations in our culture, but when taking into account the difficulty of translating Koine Greek into modern English and the literary techniques of Greek, inherent in this passage is more the modern understanding of "respect". Wives, we are commanded to respect our husbands, no matter what. We are not respecting them for what they do or because they deserve it, but because they are brothers in Christ and God has given them the great burden of leading our family. We respect them out of respect for Christ.

So how do we do this? How do we respect our husbands, even while they fail? (As a quick aside, I am assuming your husband is well-intentioned. This is in no way a command to stay in an abusive situation - whether physical, emotional, psychological or sexual. If you are in that type of situation, PLEASE, seek Godly help.)

1 - Actions speak louder than words 1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."  Showing respect, even when our husband's actions are not respectable, goes farther in touching the hearts of our men than any amount of nagging, lecturing or demanding can. This may be one of the most difficult ways for us to demonstrate grace to our husbands - but it also speaks the most loudly to them. When you need to discuss an issue, do it with as much humility and respect as you can, remembering that you also fall short, you hurt him and God has equally forgiven both of you. A godly man knows when he has fallen short, and seeing your unfailing respect, no matter what, will draw him closer to God and to you. I have seen couples able to work through major conflicts, including affairs, when the wife is willing to show respect despite it all. 

2 - Avoid demeaning, demorilzing, name calling and accusatory language.  Explain how you feel and what his actions, or inactions, communicate to you.  Those infamous "I" statements are a great communication tool you can use to express your concern and need without leaving him feeling attacked.  Saying things like, "I am hurt that the spare room hasn't been finished yet because having that extra work space is very important to me. If you do not want to do it, that is fine, but please let me know so I can find an alternative." is going to go a lot farther than, "You care more for your video games than me. I have been waiting 3 months for you to finish that spare room and it still isn't done! I can't get my project done until that room is finished."

3 - Make requests instead of making demands. Our husbands are not children. They are men God has entrusted with great responsibilities, and we need to treat them as such. You wouldn't walk into your boss's office and demand something be done immediately. We should not do the same to our husbands. Asking for help, for projects to be completed or for actions to be changed gives your husband the opportunity to choose to love you instead of feeling forced into it. It communicates you respect him, his God-given roll in your home, and his choices. The key to this is once you have asked, allowing him to freely make the choice of what he is going to do - without pressure or guilt being placed on him and without allowing hurt and resentment to build up in you. "Could you clean out the spare room so I can turn it into my work space? I would really like to be able to set it up this weekend if possible so I can start on Christmas projects." or "I could really use some more work space. I was thinking I'd use the spare room. Could you help me clean it out or do you have another suggestion?" instead of "I need more work space. Clean out the spare room this weekend. Please."   If he chooses not to, find a way to deal with it that does not leave him feeling cornered - that may mean you do it yourself without grumbling or complaining or you find an alternative without holding his choice against him. 

4 - Always talk about him in a way that is uplifting. Never talk down about him in front of others.  That "girl talk" where we all stand around and complain about our husbands is very hurtful to our men.  The old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." is a good rule of thumb. There are times we need to seek Godly advice and wisdom from other God-fearing women, but we can do that in a way that still protects our husbands from outside ridicule. We need to keep our focus on our own hearts, souls and minds instead of trying to change our husbands' (which we can't do anyway). Be very wise about who you go to and how you phrase things. 

5 - Learn to let the little things go. Underwear on the floor. Toilet seats left up. Dirty dishes in the sink. We all have those little things that annoy us to no end. We can love and respect our husbands by choosing to let them go. Instead of obstacles we have to work around, think of them as opportunities to serve your spouse - even if he doesn't notice!  Just like us, our husbands do things that annoy us, not because they don't care or don't love us, but because they just don't think about it. They don't see the world, our homes and us the same way we do - and we need to respect those differences. I can guarantee he does the same thing for you! 

6 -   Know your man.  Read the books. Listen to the experts. But above all you need to know your man, how he works and what makes him tick. No matter what the research, experts or your friends say, every man is unique. Every man has different needs and preferences  What may feel respectful to most men, may be horrifying to yours. Be willing to ask how your actions and words make him feel. Watch carefully for how your words and actions effect him. What you may feel is innocent and "normal", may not feel that way to him. If you are not sure if he is feeling respect communicated from you, ask him - and be willing to listen to his response with an open heart.  I had to come to terms that many of the things I do without thinking, hurt my husband. I may not be ill-intentioned, or even upset, but the differences in our upbringings and personalities means I need to change and be more purposeful about how I say and do things. I did a lot of damage to our marriage simply because I wasn't aware of how I was hurting him. 

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brother love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing" (I Peter 3:8-9)