The Grace to Forgive

Maybe it is just a natural result of being part of a large family, or in formal ministry, or just being alive, but in the last several years I have had the opportunity to deal with a significant amount of conflict. Not just the "Mommy! She's touching me!" conflict - though there is plenty of that around here. I mean, BIG conflict. The type that tears apart families and churches. I've watched it divide congregations, end marriages, separate friends and alienate family.  The pain created during these conflicts can be excruciating for those involved. especially when it is not handled well. No matter who is involved, the situations surrounding it, or the beliefs of those affected, inevitably conflict always involves forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a bit of a buzz word within Christian circles. "Jesus forgave your sins" so you must forgive others. But do we really understand what that means? So often we treat forgiveness as an emotion, or something that is earned, or even as a means of inducing guilt. I recently had someone tell me, "Well, I was pushed into reconciling, but I wasn't ready to forgive so it didn't go well," I've heard, "I've forgiven, but he needs to pay for what he did."  "Forgive her so she will be so convicted of her sin." How many times have I commanded a child, "Tell her you are sorry!"?  All of those completely miss Jesus' example of forgiveness.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Rom 5: 6-11 ESV)

In the midst of a very painful experience, God used this verse to bring me to my knees in repentance. What I learned made years of turmoil manageable.  It gave me the strength to face, and  love, those who were hurting me. Once the situation was dealt with, it made reconciliation and healing much easier than it probably would have been otherwise. 

1 - Forgiveness is not based on emotion.  Forgiveness is based on love, God's love, and love is a choice. God does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He chooses to. He forgives us because it is a means of demonstrating that choice to love. I can't imagine, that while suffering the  total physical and spiritual agony of the cross, a punishment he by no means deserved or earned, Jesus "felt" like forgiving. Every part of his human nature had to be screaming against it. Being fully human, there must have been incredible temptation to give in to the need for "justice". We know that looking into the last 24 hours of his life, Jesus begged to be released from what he knew was to come. Jesus paid for our forgiveness despite what he was feeling. Jesus didn't wait until He was ready. He didn't wait until He felt like it. He paid for our forgiveness "at the right time" - when God told Him to. He chose to forgive, despite what it cost Him, because He chose to love.

2 - Forgiveness is not based on the apology or acknowledgement of someone else.  "While we were yet sinners"  Jesus forgave us while we were still his enemies. Think about that for a moment. While we were nailing Him to the cross, He was forgiving. While He was slowly suffocating to death, He was forgiving you. While He was being beaten on your behalf - He was forgiving you. As Christians, we have the spirit of Christ living in us. If He forgave us while we were still his enemies, we are able to forgive others even while they are hurting us. To do any less is to deny what He did for us.

3 - Forgiveness is not about me. Forgiveness has wonderful benefits for us. Unforgiveness is burdensome and painful. Forgiveness frees us from that. It also has amazing benefits for those whom we have forgiven. There is nothing like being able to put behind you the pain you have caused someone else. But, as Christians, that is not why we forgive. We are to forgive to glorify God. When we forgive to make ourselves feel better we are trying to do in our own strength what only God has enabled us to do. When we forgive to try to free someone else from their guilt, we put ourselves in the Holy Spirit's place of conviction and redemption in that person's life. He may use our forgiveness to convict, but only He can bring conviction and peace to someone's heart. We are to forgive, because we are forgiven, for God's glory.

4 - Forgiveness begins with facing my own sin. Jesus did not have his own sin to face, but we do. Actually, Jesus took on our sin, owned it for us, so that He could face it, forgive it, and enable us to forgive others. We forgive because we are forgiven. That means it begins with facing those things we need to be forgiven for! Facing our own sin allows us to approach others' sin with humility. Just as Jesus, as fully God, willingly humbled himself to become man and be humiliated on the cross, we need to go humbly to the cross where we find the grace and love needed to forgive others. "...take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:42b ESV)

5 - Complete forgiveness can be a journey, not just a one time thing.  There are times when we are able to completely forgive with one decision. For little one-time things that can be very easy. The big things and repeated offenses, can be a very different story!  Jesus's road to our forgiveness was not the result of one decision - it was a series of steps that led to our total absolution. The Last Supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, His trial, His Crucifixion,  each word spoken on the cross, His final breath "It is finished.".... At each point He had to make the decision to submit to His Father's will. At any point, He could have called angels down to save Him. He could have stopped the entire thing. It was a long, painful process. Sometimes those "logs in your own eye" are bigger than we think. Sometimes they are removed in one big chunk; other times they are removed splinter by splinter. To say, "I forgive" isn't enough. It means choosing to not think about the offense when it pops in our minds. It means choosing to not give into anger and bitterness. It means choosing to not carry offenses into other ones and deal with each incident separately. It means choosing to love even when we don't feel like it. It means in our hearts and minds seeing those people with the love and grace God does. It means praying for them.  It is being aware of our own hearts and where there may be hidden unforgiveness. Recently I was talking to a friend who told me she had forgiven some people who had hurt her, but she wasn't willing to trust them yet. 5 minutes later she launched into a long, angry, demeaning tirade about those same people. Her issue was not trust, it was hidden unforgiveness.  

For me, my struggle has been in allowing forgiveness to take time. In some of my most difficult situations, I've wanted to completely forgive right away because I wanted it over. I became very angry when day, after day, after day, I realized I was still dealing with an unforgiving heart - both in myself and others. I've learned, that sometimes God allows that process to take a LONG time, because in the process of learning to fully forgive, I am being more fully transformed into the woman He is calling me to be.  Each time I struggle with an angry thought, untrusting attitude or bitter words I am learning to allow God's process of healing to take place in my heart. I am placing my faith in His desire for me, not my desire.  At "the right time" He will look at me and those who have hurt me and say, "It is finished" -  and it will be beautiful beyond all imagination!