The Grace to Forgive

Maybe it is just a natural result of being part of a large family, or in formal ministry, or just being alive, but in the last several years I have had the opportunity to deal with a significant amount of conflict. Not just the "Mommy! She's touching me!" conflict - though there is plenty of that around here. I mean, BIG conflict. The type that tears apart families and churches. I've watched it divide congregations, end marriages, separate friends and alienate family.  The pain created during these conflicts can be excruciating for those involved. especially when it is not handled well. No matter who is involved, the situations surrounding it, or the beliefs of those affected, inevitably conflict always involves forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a bit of a buzz word within Christian circles. "Jesus forgave your sins" so you must forgive others. But do we really understand what that means? So often we treat forgiveness as an emotion, or something that is earned, or even as a means of inducing guilt. I recently had someone tell me, "Well, I was pushed into reconciling, but I wasn't ready to forgive so it didn't go well," I've heard, "I've forgiven, but he needs to pay for what he did."  "Forgive her so she will be so convicted of her sin." How many times have I commanded a child, "Tell her you are sorry!"?  All of those completely miss Jesus' example of forgiveness.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Rom 5: 6-11 ESV)

In the midst of a very painful experience, God used this verse to bring me to my knees in repentance. What I learned made years of turmoil manageable.  It gave me the strength to face, and  love, those who were hurting me. Once the situation was dealt with, it made reconciliation and healing much easier than it probably would have been otherwise. 

1 - Forgiveness is not based on emotion.  Forgiveness is based on love, God's love, and love is a choice. God does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He chooses to. He forgives us because it is a means of demonstrating that choice to love. I can't imagine, that while suffering the  total physical and spiritual agony of the cross, a punishment he by no means deserved or earned, Jesus "felt" like forgiving. Every part of his human nature had to be screaming against it. Being fully human, there must have been incredible temptation to give in to the need for "justice". We know that looking into the last 24 hours of his life, Jesus begged to be released from what he knew was to come. Jesus paid for our forgiveness despite what he was feeling. Jesus didn't wait until He was ready. He didn't wait until He felt like it. He paid for our forgiveness "at the right time" - when God told Him to. He chose to forgive, despite what it cost Him, because He chose to love.

2 - Forgiveness is not based on the apology or acknowledgement of someone else.  "While we were yet sinners"  Jesus forgave us while we were still his enemies. Think about that for a moment. While we were nailing Him to the cross, He was forgiving. While He was slowly suffocating to death, He was forgiving you. While He was being beaten on your behalf - He was forgiving you. As Christians, we have the spirit of Christ living in us. If He forgave us while we were still his enemies, we are able to forgive others even while they are hurting us. To do any less is to deny what He did for us.

3 - Forgiveness is not about me. Forgiveness has wonderful benefits for us. Unforgiveness is burdensome and painful. Forgiveness frees us from that. It also has amazing benefits for those whom we have forgiven. There is nothing like being able to put behind you the pain you have caused someone else. But, as Christians, that is not why we forgive. We are to forgive to glorify God. When we forgive to make ourselves feel better we are trying to do in our own strength what only God has enabled us to do. When we forgive to try to free someone else from their guilt, we put ourselves in the Holy Spirit's place of conviction and redemption in that person's life. He may use our forgiveness to convict, but only He can bring conviction and peace to someone's heart. We are to forgive, because we are forgiven, for God's glory.

4 - Forgiveness begins with facing my own sin. Jesus did not have his own sin to face, but we do. Actually, Jesus took on our sin, owned it for us, so that He could face it, forgive it, and enable us to forgive others. We forgive because we are forgiven. That means it begins with facing those things we need to be forgiven for! Facing our own sin allows us to approach others' sin with humility. Just as Jesus, as fully God, willingly humbled himself to become man and be humiliated on the cross, we need to go humbly to the cross where we find the grace and love needed to forgive others. "...take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye." (Luke 6:42b ESV)

5 - Complete forgiveness can be a journey, not just a one time thing.  There are times when we are able to completely forgive with one decision. For little one-time things that can be very easy. The big things and repeated offenses, can be a very different story!  Jesus's road to our forgiveness was not the result of one decision - it was a series of steps that led to our total absolution. The Last Supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, His trial, His Crucifixion,  each word spoken on the cross, His final breath "It is finished.".... At each point He had to make the decision to submit to His Father's will. At any point, He could have called angels down to save Him. He could have stopped the entire thing. It was a long, painful process. Sometimes those "logs in your own eye" are bigger than we think. Sometimes they are removed in one big chunk; other times they are removed splinter by splinter. To say, "I forgive" isn't enough. It means choosing to not think about the offense when it pops in our minds. It means choosing to not give into anger and bitterness. It means choosing to not carry offenses into other ones and deal with each incident separately. It means choosing to love even when we don't feel like it. It means in our hearts and minds seeing those people with the love and grace God does. It means praying for them.  It is being aware of our own hearts and where there may be hidden unforgiveness. Recently I was talking to a friend who told me she had forgiven some people who had hurt her, but she wasn't willing to trust them yet. 5 minutes later she launched into a long, angry, demeaning tirade about those same people. Her issue was not trust, it was hidden unforgiveness.  

For me, my struggle has been in allowing forgiveness to take time. In some of my most difficult situations, I've wanted to completely forgive right away because I wanted it over. I became very angry when day, after day, after day, I realized I was still dealing with an unforgiving heart - both in myself and others. I've learned, that sometimes God allows that process to take a LONG time, because in the process of learning to fully forgive, I am being more fully transformed into the woman He is calling me to be.  Each time I struggle with an angry thought, untrusting attitude or bitter words I am learning to allow God's process of healing to take place in my heart. I am placing my faith in His desire for me, not my desire.  At "the right time" He will look at me and those who have hurt me and say, "It is finished" -  and it will be beautiful beyond all imagination!

Decisions, Decisions....

Moms were busy cleaning up a picnic at a local park when children asked to run over to the playground. It was a quiet day, no one else was really around and we could easily see the equipment from where we were. "Stay together, but go ahead over and go play. We will be there in 5 minutes." As the children began running toward the slides and monkey bars I heard a mom stop her children and tell them, "I'm not comfortable with you being over there. Sit here and wait for me."

I get several emails a year from moms asking for information about home schooling. Usually, they express a desire to homeschool because they are concerned about an aspect of their public school. "Schools just aren't what they used to be. Bullies. Too much testing. God isn't allowed. I'm concerned about what it will do to my child."

Several years ago there was a push among some Christian groups to encourage parents to not allow their children to read the Harry Potter books. Why? There was concern that reading them would instill in children an interest in black arts, and open doors to witch craft and demonic powers - pulling them away from Christian teaching and the church.

Parenting is hard. Making decisions for our children can be challenging. There are a lot of factors to weigh and at times the responsibility of nurturing, protecting and raising these little gifts from God can feel overwhelming. In our age, we are blessed, or cursed, with seemingly infinite information and opinions to "help" along the journey. Send them to this school. Use this curriculum. Feed them this food. Don't feed them these foods. Vaccinate. Don't vaccinate. Watch these movies. Don't even consider those movies. If you don't do (fill in the blank) your child will turn from Christ.

Overwhelmingly, we are encouraged to make decisions based off one thing - fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of contamination. Fear of loss. Fear of sin. Fear of man. That mom at the park was afraid of what would happen if she wasn't right next to her children to protect them. Parents looking to change their children's education are afraid their children are missing something or will be harmed. Many churches are afraid that the wrong books, music and movies will lead children away from practicing the faith. We fear feeding children the wrong food will effect their long term health. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us." (I John 4:18-9 ESV)

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can paralyze and it can enable us to do things we wouldn't otherwise. It can completely overwhelm and darken everything else. It tells us that we are responsible for every outcome and every consequence; it says we are at the mercy of others.  It says that we are powerful; it reminds us we are weak. Fear says that God is not in control.

 It is the opposite of God's motivator - love. Specifically, God's love - agape love. This love sacrifices itself for the well being of others. It is constant, never changing. It brings hope. It brings peace. It brings joy. It motivates to do the same for others. It encourages that God is sovereign and we are always in His hand. 

Fear frequently disguises itself as love. That mom at the playground was certain she was loving her children by doing everything she could to keep them safe.  Churches preach that it is loving to protect our children from dangerous influences. But, there is a very fine line between doing the "loving" thing out of agape, and doing it out of fear. And, it does matter. An action done out of fear teaches our children something very different from the same thing done out of love.

Fear teaches man is sovereign. Love teaches God is sovereign. 

Fear teaches life is unpredictable. Love teaches God has it planned.

Fear teaches decisions are made by feelings. Love demonstrates Godly wisdom.

Fear instills insecurity and breeds fear. Love gives security and grows love.

It can be very difficult to tell when we are making decisions and acting out of fear or out of love. There have been so many times I have thought I was acting out of love, but hindsight revealed, that in reality, I was afraid of something.  I am learning, that as I grow in Christ, it becomes easier to tell the difference between the fear and the voice of the Holy Spirit giving me godly wisdom and discernment. There are a few questions I'm learning to ask myself:

1 - Does Scripture have something to say about this? Is it directly dealt with, or is this part of human understanding of what it is saying?  Scripture does not directly command me to home school my children. Nor does it command me to put my children into public school. I should not home school out of fear of the public schools. Homeschooling out of fear says that God is not capable of keeping my children safe and drawing them to Himself within the government school system. I home school my children because I believe that it is the best way to glorify God with my children's upbringing. On the other side, I cannot send my children to public school out of fear that I am ill-equipped or they will miss out on something if I keep them home. That is telling our children that God has not fully equipped us, or planned for, something He may be calling us to! If I send my children to public school it must be because I know it is where God is calling them, that He is sovereign, and He will work it for good. 

2 - Am I making this decision based on law, or grace? Law produces fear.  Grace produces love.  Jesus tells us that He fulfilled the Law, freeing us from its bondage. Yet, so often, we build "law" into our thinking, homes and parenting believing that these laws will keep us closer to God and "make Him happy". The problem? We cannot do anything to separate us from the love of God. Jesus did everything that needed to be done for God to lavish us with His love. We love BECAUSE He loves us. We do not obey to be loved. While a much bigger issue than I want to get into now, much of the time the issue is not law (do's and don'ts), but what is profitable toward God's glory. "“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." (I Corinthians 10: 23-24 ESV) While the commands of God give us a framework for how to do this, there is a lot of freedom! When we insist the family goes to church each Sunday, is it because we are trying to obey a command and fulfill some obligation, or are we aiming to glorify and serve Him? Do we expect the church to give us something, or are we there to build up the body of Christ? Are we unconsciously training our children to fear whether or not they are worthy of God's love because their service attendance, or that we respond to the love God lavishes on them through corporate worship? 

3- Am I afraid of something or is this a wisdom issue? The first time I left my oldest at home alone was terrifying! What if she gets hurt? What if someone comes to the door? What if she gets hungry and burns the house down? Not all 12 year olds are ready to for that responsibility, but we knew she was. My desire to keep her with me was my fear. The fear was a result of my desire to protect and control the situation instead of trusting her and God.  When my 8 year old asks to stay home by himself - that is completely a wisdom issue. Sorry bud, but that just isn't happening until you are older and more mature!

4 - Is this decision negatively affecting other areas of life that may be more important?  I don't like leaving my children with people I don't know well. But, I also need time away, by myself and with my husband, to be a good wife and mother. Is my fear of what may happen when I am away interfering with my marriage and well-being?  There have been times I have had to choose to trust God with my children's well-being, so that I can take care of immediately pressing issues personally and with my marriage. 

When it comes down to it, fear is a lack of faith. Fear is the belief that there is something that is outside of God's sovereign plan and control.  Fear is allowing something other than the love and grace of God make decisions for you. 

Next time you are faced with a decision, whether big or little, take a moment to look at what is controlling that decision. And remember, God will never leave you or forsake you - or your children.

But Mommy, she......

I hear myself saying it all the time to my children,
 "I'm not asking what she did, I'm asking what you did."

I don't allow tattling.  The rule of thumb around here is you try to take care of problems on your own, by talking them through, and then you come get Mommy. The only time they are to tell me what someone else has done is if they have tried to handle it on their own, and can't, or someone is being hurt - physically or emotionally. Even then, after listening to complaints, my first question usually is: "What did you do?"

Now, this frustrates my children to no end. They come wanting me to stop someone else's behavior, and I make them talk about themselves. I'm not trying to downplay how they feel about the situation. I usually repeat back to them their perspective of the situation and how they feel about it.  We talk about why they feel the way they do, and why they responded the way they did, but my primary goal is not resolving all the conflict around here. With a household of 8 sinners, that is impossible! My goal is to help them reflect on and identify their own contribution to situations, search their own hearts for where the Holy Spirit needs to help them change, learn there are multiple perspectives. Resolution only comes when we are willing to see things from other people's perspective. The key to resolving conflict is understanding how the other person sees the situation and admitting to our own failures - even if they were unintentional. Most of the time, the "offended" child realizes her actions or attitude contributed to the situation, and while the other child's actions may not have been righteous, she wan't any better. Most of the time, they are happily reconciled within minutes, both children apologetic and forgiving. I am finding that the same conflicts happen less and less frequently as the children learn to examine and take responsibility for their own hearts and behavior. Sometimes, I have to sit and hold a wronged child, reminding them that Christ died for us "while we were still sinners", and having an unapologetic sibling is an opportunity to show Christ-like love and forgiveness.

I've been confronted with how I do this in my own life. I have made difficult situations worse, because I would not see myself through another's eyes. It is so easy to assume I see a situation clearly and my actions and attitudes are completely justified. I can even claim to be attempting to resolve conflict "biblically" - yet in truth only have my personal interests and pride at heart. It is so easy to point fingers, and completely miss that conflict always involves two (or more) sinful people. My idea of resolution may not be the other person's idea of resolution. My view of the problem may not be the other person's view of the problem. My goals may not be their goals. The longer I hold on to my goals, my interpretations, my feelings, and my views, the longer the problem persists. It can be hard and painful to view myself through someone else's eyes. Yet, when I do that, the joy of true reconciliation comes not just through the restored human relationship, but with the work the Holy Spirit has done in my heart; bringing me closer to the woman God would have me be.

Then there are those times when resolution seems to be impossible. I was recently told by someone I would dearly love to reconcile with, that she does not want a relationship with me. Despite my best efforts and apologies, though I've tried to understand where she stands, and have been open to mediation, she will not bend, apologize or reconcile. I don't even understand where the problem is! It is those times when in the midst of the hurt, I have to choose to forgive.  I have to be willing to be there when, if ever, they are ready to truly reconcile. I have to choose to uphold them in love, mercy and grace, even while they are breaking my heart. Even when they have rejected me. I have to choose to love them as Christ loves me, because I am not yet perfected. I daily break His heart. Daily, I break our relationship. I reject His love. But daily He waits, and loves, and prays for me to return to Him - repentant.

He is saying to me: I didn't ask what they did. I'm asking what will you do?

The Call to Teach

It has been quite some time since I have blogged. Something about raising and homeschooling 6 children during the holidays while teaching an adult class and hosting 15 family members at Christmas has made time for writing difficult to find!

Here it is January, and like many moms, my attention has moved from celebrating the past year to planning and diving into the new. While we have many new adventures on tap for 2014, my first task is planning for the up-coming school year. It also happens that education is the next topic I had been planning on dealing with in this adventure into homes of grace.

In the class my husband and I are teaching, we spent several weeks looking at what scripture has to say on education, the history of education in America, the options we have available to us and how they meet God's goals for our children.  But, I want to take a slightly different approach here.

It has taken almost 13 years of parenting for me to realize that I am not cut out for this job. I love my quiet, my space, my uninterrupted time to read, think, write and play. As an introvert, I crave these things. They fuel me. Without them, I flounder, fail, and fall. Yet, I am a military wife and homeschooling mom to 6. Peace? Quite? Uninterrupted time alone?  Haha!  They are in very short supply around here!

BUT.....I have been perfectly equipped to do the task placed before me, in the strength and power of the Holy Spirit, through the grace of Jesus, by the direction of God.

So what does this have to do with how, as Christian Parents, we educate our children? Well.....

 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)

 "..these words that I command to you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children..." Deuteronomy 6: 6b-7a (ESV)

Scripture is very clear: every Christian parent is to be an educating parent.

Scripture has very little to say about parenting. But when it does speak about what parents are supposed to do, the priority is always on teaching our children about God: His ways, His laws, His creation, His providence. It doesn't tell us to make sure they know their multiplication tables, or can decline Latin verbs, or set up a proper scientific experiment, or write a properly formed 5 paragraph essay. We are not told to send them to college, train them for a vibrant career, equip them to be a great broadway star or NFL quarterback. We are to train them "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord".

And the job belongs to us. It does not belong to the state, the community, the church, teachers, Board of Educations, unions,....  God will hold us responsible for the education our children receive. The question that we must answer: How has He called me to do this? and What does it look like?

I think the answer is surprisingly simple: Everything our children are taught, should point them to their Creator and Savior. They should be shown His love, justice, provision and grace in every aspect of their world.

• History is the study of His providence through out time
• Science is the study of His ordering of and provision through Creation.

• Reading equips them to read and study His Word and to learn about the people around them so they can better reach out with His love.
• Writing equips them to communicate effectively to demonstrate and teach His grace.
• Math gives them a tool to describe His order and logic through creation.
• Foreign Language allows them to spread His gospel to those of other tongues.
• Music and Art are forms of worship, to beautifully express His joy in a manner that crosses time and nationality.

All together, their formal education is preparing them to fulfill God's purpose and plan for their lives.

How and where the formal part of this instruction happens is the difficult part.

I believe our family has been called to educate at home - yet I am not naturally designed to have all my children at home, all the time.

I have friends and neighbors who long to have their children at home. Though they have cried, prayed and sacrificed to make it happen, God has not opened that door yet.

I know parents who do not believe they can homeschool, and parents who cannot bear the thought of their children in public school. I know parents who homeschool out of fear of what will happen to their children, and parents who place their children in public school for fear they may not do a "good enough" job at home. I know homeschooling parents who keep their children home out of obligation, and public school parents who drop their children off to be free to pursue a career.  I know parents who homeschool to control what their children are exposed to, and parents who public school to expose their children to as many other ideas as possible. I know homeschoolers who judge any christian parent who does not have their children at home, and public school parents who judge those who keep their children home. I know home school parents who rarely mention God during "school time", and public school parents who faithfully point their children to Christ through every situation.

All of these things only serve to detract from the real call: to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Natural ability, comfort-levels, fear, control, socialization, opportunities, protection, exposure, obligation, careers and on and on all become idols if they control our decisions.

We have one charge, one call - and that is to instruct them in God.

God never promised to call us to something that comes naturally. He never promised we would be able to follow our dreams. He never promised our children would be with us all the time. He never promised we would have time-off.

He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. 

He promised we can do all thing through Him when He gives us strength. 

So whether you currently homeschool, public school or private school, I have one question for you.

Are you following God's call for you and your children, or are you following something else? 

Grace in Halloween

There are a thousand blogs and articles out there on Christians and Halloween. It can be a touchy subject and there are as many opinions on how Christians "should" handle this dark holiday as there are people.  This year has been one of conviction for me.  Not because of our participation in Halloween traditions, but because of why we have chosen not to participate in the past.

For most of my life I have held the belief that Halloween should be shunned because of its roots in paganism and its celebration of evil. All the celebration stands for contradicts the very foundations of our faith!

I don't know what changed this year, but I began to see quite a few contradictions and even unbiblical thinking in how I approached Halloween. While it is a pagan holiday with traditions based off pagan ritual, so is Christmas and Easter. Both Christian "high holidays" were designed to "christianize" pagan worship. It is very inconsistent to tell my children we can do all the fun things of Christmas and Easter because we have found ways to turn pagan ritual into reminders of God's love, grace and mercy, but we can't do that with Halloween.  Why is it God can "redeem" Christmas and Easter, but not Halloween?

My primary goal with school this year is helping the children learn to look for how God reveals himself to us through science, history and literature. Our catechism question this week has been "How does God carry out His decrees?" The answer: "God carries out His decrees in creation and providence." God reveals His plan, purpose and character through the study of creation and His-story. If God's plan of glory and grace is evident through all of creation and all of history, that must include Halloween. Does that mean by ignoring Halloween, we were missing part of God's revelation of Himself?

Its been heavy on my heart the last few days, and this morning I began to see some answers.

1 - God has redeemed Halloween. October 31 is not just Halloween, it is also Reformation Day. It is not an accident that the two celebrations land on the same day. When Martin Luther nailed the 95 Thesis on the church door in Wittenburgh, God was using him to call the Church back to grace. Back to complete reliance on Him for salvation, peace, comfort and redemption.  The Reformation called Christians away from practices that relied on human effort to escape the "evil spirits" and back to the One who has already defeated them. In the midst of a ritual that celebrates death, the pounding of nails  directs us to the One who died so that we may live. There is no more need to light fires and disguise ourselves to scare away evil, because Christ is The Light, and he, as fully God, took on human form, to completely defeat The Evil one.

2 - The rituals of Halloween point us to God's glory, grace and truth. What Satan intended for evil, God can use for good. The Master Deceiver has taken grains of truth, and twisted them.  Jack-o-lanterns and costumes were meant to scare off evil spirits. It is very true that light always repells darkness, but no amount of human endeavor can do it. Instead, the Light of Life has already defeated all Darkness, and as His followers, we take that light to the rest of the world. We are the true "Jack-o-lanterns" - lights on a hill. All of creation must go through a transformation into new creatures to be freed from the entrapment of evil.  It is not an outward covering that is needed, but inward transformation that replaces the disfigurement of sin with the righteous perfection of Christ.  The entire world is searching for "candy" - something that makes life more enjoyable and worthwhile. As Christians, we are to open our doors and share all the good things God has given us with a world walking around in darkness.

This year we won't ignore Halloween. We will talk about Martin Luther and the Church's return to grace. We will discuss how we have no need to fear anything, because Christ has defeated it all. We paint pumpkins and discussed how we are the light of the world. The children dress as Minions (because it is fun) as we thank God for transforming our hearts. We are not trick-or-treating, or giving out candy, because the younger children are still afraid of many of the costumes that will be in our neighborhood tonight, but I will be thinking of new ideas for next year on how to share God's grace in the midst of all the darkness.

God, in His ever-present, all powerful being, has graciously redeemed even Halloween!

Family Purpose

So why families?  What is the point of having families? What is the goal of your family? What was God's intent for families?

The purpose of family is a hotly debated topic in our culture and within churches. What consists of a family? What is it's role? Where does its responsibilities start and where are their limits? What does "family" look like?

God's story of family begins at the beginning. Genesis 1 God creates the sky, sun, moon, earth, plants, animals and man. The first account of the creation story ends with:

So God created man in his own image.

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them. 

And God blessed them. And God said to them "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion...And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. 

God created man, in God's image, as male and female. The first thing we are told about mankind is its reflection of God as male and female. It is not the male that reflects God. It is not the female reflects God. It is male and female together that reflects God's image. Marriage, first and foremost, is a man and a woman united to reflect God.  The first command this Reflection is given, mirrors the very act God had just completed - be fruitful and multiply. Create children. And why children? To fill the earth and rule it as caretakers for the Creator. Chapter 2 goes on to give further explain God's arrangement  The female is created as a helper for the male. This is not a subservient arrangement, as both humans share the same task, but it is the man that is ultimately held accountable. It is man who is charged with naming all creation. It is the man to whom God gives His directions to pass on to others. It  is the man who is held accountable when things begin to go wrong.

The first 3 words of chapter 3 give the first hint of trouble: Now the serpent  What is a serpent doing in

a garden? And why is this serpent talking to the woman?  Not only is it talking to her, it is lying to her and taking advantage of the woman's exaggerations of God's initial commands. No one kept the serpent out of the garden. No one corrected the woman's understanding of God's command. (She states she is not allowed to touch the tree in the center of the garden. God had stated they were not to eat from it.) So Eve takes the fruit, eats it, and turns and gives it to her husband - who it seems had been next to her the whole time!  The first sin was not in Eve's eating of the forbidden fruit, but in Adam's failure to tend to, instruct, and  protect creation. 

It doesn't take long for the family, and the world to fall apart. By the 6th chapter of the Bible, God destroys the earth because of the corruption of humanity. God restores the earth from its watery grave, brings Noah and his sons onto dry land and commands them "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth....into your hand [all creation] is given". 

Again, it all very quickly falls apart and mankind must be scattered across the globe and nations begin to form.

Then God reveals the next part of his plan. He calls a man to leave everything, to start over, and to be set apart.  He promises Abram that through him, and his family, the entire world will be blessed. God sets aside a family to restore the earth to God's original intent. 

God gave His chosen people, His chosen family, a set of laws designed to set them apart so they would be an example of Him to the rest of the world.  God put into place a means of transmitting those laws, and assuring they are understood and upheld. Moses was to give them to the elders of each tribe. The elders of the tribes were to teach the adults. The adults were to teach their children. The nuclear family's main purpose was to transmit God's Word from one generation to another so God's redemption would be evident through the nation of Israel. 

They fail again, and again and again. For us, the hope lies in this: God used every failure of His people, of individuals, to bring about His ultimate plan of Redemption. It was through the prostitution of Rahab, the inter-faith marriage of Ruth and Boaz and the adultery of David, that Christ was brought into the world.

So what does this have to do with us, as post-resurrection Christian families?  We have been given the exact same purpose. The famous Ephesians 6 passage on wives, husbands and children comes in the middle of an explanation of how Christians are to live as "imitators of God". The purpose of the Christian family, wife, husband and children, is to fulfill the mission of the Church and pass it on from generation to generation.  Our families exist to fulfill the Great Commission - to preach the gospel to all the world. Our families' purpose is to declare the glory of God. 

This is vastly different from many of the current understandings of the purpose of family. Families do not exist primarily to raise a lot of well-behaved, God-fearing children. Families do not exist to make its individual members happy.  Families do not exist primarily to provide structure to society, to educate children, to transmit culture, to ensure people are cared for etc...etc...etc....  All of these are great benefits of family, but not its purpose. Our concern with things like education, discipline, marriage, communication, and nurturing is not that we have a healthy family, marriage and children. It is not to somehow earn God's favor. It is not even to guarantee the salvation of the next generation. It is because those are the means we use within our family, and as members of the Church, to glorify God and to declare His love, grace and mercy to the rest of the world. Our families will never be perfect, but God will always use our imperfections to His glory.

Love, Submit, Respect

Wives, submit to you own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her....husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself....Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and fold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5: 22-25, 28a, 31-33

It was the beginning of this journey God is bringing me on in more fully understanding grace within the context of marriage, family and child-rearing. We had made the decision to homeschool our oldest, so I was attending a local homeschool convention to find out what we were getting ourselves into. Taking a break from the overwhelming curriculum hall and "how-to" presentations, I sat in the back of a marriage seminar to nurse the baby, sit for a few minutes, and allow my brain time to absorb all I was learning. While my wriggly son only allowed me about 15 minutes to listen to the speaker, it was 15 minutes that would change my life, marriage and parenting. For the first time I heard the absolute necessity for my husband to feel respected - and that respect looked very different from what I thought.  

Ephesians 5 is probably the most referenced, and most misused passage on marriage. Traditionally it has been used to justify demeaning women. More modern Christians will dismiss it as "cultural" to only New Testament life and not relevant to our more progressive society. Both completely miss the intention of the passage - mutual submission.  Taken within context of the surrounding passages, it is commanding wives and husbands submit themselves to each other out of love for Christ and as a reflection of Christ's love for the church.

The command given to men to "love your wives" was revolutionary for the time. In a time when women were at best a means to gain property, status and ensure decedents, the idea of love within marriage would have been very progressive indeed! Paul dramatically elevates the status of women within the family. Even more than the idea of "love" within marriage, is the extent to which this love is to go. "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church."  No longer are wives there to be used, but they are to be so incredibly loved, cherished and honored that a husband gives up his life, dreams and ambitions for her. She is to be his primary concern. His life is to be lived for her benefit - to meet her inner most needs without regard for his personal gain!  

Wives, if our husbands could perfectly fulfill that command, wouldn't the command we are given be easy? It is easy to submit to someone who we know has our best interest at heart all the time. But just like us, our husbands are not perfect. They fail at this, frequently - and that is when it becomes very difficult for us to comply with the command to submit. Actually, a more accurate word is seen at the end of this passage's English translation - respect. Submission has a lot of negative connotations in our culture, but when taking into account the difficulty of translating Koine Greek into modern English and the literary techniques of Greek, inherent in this passage is more the modern understanding of "respect". Wives, we are commanded to respect our husbands, no matter what. We are not respecting them for what they do or because they deserve it, but because they are brothers in Christ and God has given them the great burden of leading our family. We respect them out of respect for Christ.

So how do we do this? How do we respect our husbands, even while they fail? (As a quick aside, I am assuming your husband is well-intentioned. This is in no way a command to stay in an abusive situation - whether physical, emotional, psychological or sexual. If you are in that type of situation, PLEASE, seek Godly help.)

1 - Actions speak louder than words 1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."  Showing respect, even when our husband's actions are not respectable, goes farther in touching the hearts of our men than any amount of nagging, lecturing or demanding can. This may be one of the most difficult ways for us to demonstrate grace to our husbands - but it also speaks the most loudly to them. When you need to discuss an issue, do it with as much humility and respect as you can, remembering that you also fall short, you hurt him and God has equally forgiven both of you. A godly man knows when he has fallen short, and seeing your unfailing respect, no matter what, will draw him closer to God and to you. I have seen couples able to work through major conflicts, including affairs, when the wife is willing to show respect despite it all. 

2 - Avoid demeaning, demorilzing, name calling and accusatory language.  Explain how you feel and what his actions, or inactions, communicate to you.  Those infamous "I" statements are a great communication tool you can use to express your concern and need without leaving him feeling attacked.  Saying things like, "I am hurt that the spare room hasn't been finished yet because having that extra work space is very important to me. If you do not want to do it, that is fine, but please let me know so I can find an alternative." is going to go a lot farther than, "You care more for your video games than me. I have been waiting 3 months for you to finish that spare room and it still isn't done! I can't get my project done until that room is finished."

3 - Make requests instead of making demands. Our husbands are not children. They are men God has entrusted with great responsibilities, and we need to treat them as such. You wouldn't walk into your boss's office and demand something be done immediately. We should not do the same to our husbands. Asking for help, for projects to be completed or for actions to be changed gives your husband the opportunity to choose to love you instead of feeling forced into it. It communicates you respect him, his God-given roll in your home, and his choices. The key to this is once you have asked, allowing him to freely make the choice of what he is going to do - without pressure or guilt being placed on him and without allowing hurt and resentment to build up in you. "Could you clean out the spare room so I can turn it into my work space? I would really like to be able to set it up this weekend if possible so I can start on Christmas projects." or "I could really use some more work space. I was thinking I'd use the spare room. Could you help me clean it out or do you have another suggestion?" instead of "I need more work space. Clean out the spare room this weekend. Please."   If he chooses not to, find a way to deal with it that does not leave him feeling cornered - that may mean you do it yourself without grumbling or complaining or you find an alternative without holding his choice against him. 

4 - Always talk about him in a way that is uplifting. Never talk down about him in front of others.  That "girl talk" where we all stand around and complain about our husbands is very hurtful to our men.  The old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." is a good rule of thumb. There are times we need to seek Godly advice and wisdom from other God-fearing women, but we can do that in a way that still protects our husbands from outside ridicule. We need to keep our focus on our own hearts, souls and minds instead of trying to change our husbands' (which we can't do anyway). Be very wise about who you go to and how you phrase things. 

5 - Learn to let the little things go. Underwear on the floor. Toilet seats left up. Dirty dishes in the sink. We all have those little things that annoy us to no end. We can love and respect our husbands by choosing to let them go. Instead of obstacles we have to work around, think of them as opportunities to serve your spouse - even if he doesn't notice!  Just like us, our husbands do things that annoy us, not because they don't care or don't love us, but because they just don't think about it. They don't see the world, our homes and us the same way we do - and we need to respect those differences. I can guarantee he does the same thing for you! 

6 -   Know your man.  Read the books. Listen to the experts. But above all you need to know your man, how he works and what makes him tick. No matter what the research, experts or your friends say, every man is unique. Every man has different needs and preferences  What may feel respectful to most men, may be horrifying to yours. Be willing to ask how your actions and words make him feel. Watch carefully for how your words and actions effect him. What you may feel is innocent and "normal", may not feel that way to him. If you are not sure if he is feeling respect communicated from you, ask him - and be willing to listen to his response with an open heart.  I had to come to terms that many of the things I do without thinking, hurt my husband. I may not be ill-intentioned, or even upset, but the differences in our upbringings and personalities means I need to change and be more purposeful about how I say and do things. I did a lot of damage to our marriage simply because I wasn't aware of how I was hurting him. 

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brother love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing" (I Peter 3:8-9)